


The line that I'd walk for you

by AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do



Category: Sanvers - Fandom, Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers&Killer Frost(Caitlin Snow), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Kara Danvers & Maggie Sawyer Friendship, Memory Loss, My own Suicide Squad, Sanvers Endgame, Sanvers Week 2019, powers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-02-26 14:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18718684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do/pseuds/AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do
Summary: A cop against a criminal. The story should be simple...but what if that criminal used to be your best friend in college until The Tragic Day. Your mind and your heart are having the oldest battle of history. And you wonder, if you should fight her or fight for her. No, the story isn't simple but the answer to that question is. You'd do anything for her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Here's a brand new fic that I've been really nervous to share. It's an idea that I had like a year and half ago. I decided to work on it when I saw the prompts for SanversWeek of this year. Two of them were a main theme in this fic so I decided to go for it.  
> You'll find characters/storyline from all DC shows. If you don't watch all of them it's alright, but I hope that you'll enjoy what I came up with either way. And let's pretend this is happening on another Earth.
> 
> Be gentle with me, I racked my brain out for this fic and English is still not my first language. I'd appreciate your feedback y'all, you are seriously the best.  
> For those of you that read my other stories, I'm working on an update for With you from dusk till dawn.
> 
> Enjoy :)x

The air get colder as Officer Maggie Sawyer approaches the tech building. She curses mentally as she tightens the windbreaker over her uniform. Passing by a coworker reaching out to her, she  accepts  the phone with a refrained a sigh. 

Usually, it would be up to a detective to take the call but Maggie had succeeded more than once to put a stop to this kind of situation. Robbery, hostage taking. This one is no different to the outside world and to Maggie’s colleagues, _but it is._  

She walks to the front line where the officers stood behind their squad cars and Maggie does the same, opening the door to lean on it. She is grateful for the absence of cops by her sides, needing space and quiet. 

Ignoring the loud thud of her heart, she opens the phone and dials. She waits and waits until a snarky voice  answer . 

''Welcome to Mercury Lab's heist, how may I help you?''

Maggie tries to stay  professional  and not roll her eyes, but fail tremendously.

''How about you put an end to all of this, Killer Frost.'' she offers in what she hopes is a calm tone.

The criminal on the other side of the line simply scoffs, calling out in the background:

''Babe, I think this is for you.''

Maggie's heart freezes annoyingly as she hears Killer Frost's partner, Pulse, grumble.

''Why did you bother answering?'' the Officer hear her ask.

''The constant ringing was giving me a headache.''

The young cop could feel her coworkers' eyes on her back. She straightens her posture, hoping to appear confident when internally, she feels like she's about to throw up on the cement.

‘’Who am I talking to?’’ Pulse finally gravely asks.

Maggie manages to not let anything show on her face, but she exhales deeply out of relief. It had been a couple of weeks since she last heard from her and despite the circumstances, she is happy to hear her voice, no matter how hostile it is. 

‘’You know, I’m hurt that you even asked.’’ Maggie replies with a curt smile as her eyes are set on the horizon, looking at the tech company building.  

‘’Oh, it’s you again. It’s starting to feel like harassment, Officer Sawyer.’’ the voice retorts back. 

Maggie looks around herself, knowing her colleagues were counting on her. Truth is, Maggie is practically certain she won’t succeed this time. 

‘’Come on, nobody has to get hurt, Al.’’ she says softly, lowering her voice. 

There is a scoff and a groan of annoyance on the other side of the line. 

‘’You’re right, _Officer_. So, let us go.’’ the thief offers. 

Maggie sort of smiles at the tone, having heard it number of times before back in college when Alex didn’t want to be bothered during her study time. 

‘’Talk to me. Tell me what went wrong. You guys are usually out by now.’’ Maggie remarks looking down at her watch. 

It’s been ten minutes since the NCPD arrived on the scene. Maggie knows that soon her boss would give his team the go to enter the building and arrest Pulse and Killer Frost. Well, right after they'd figure out how to get past that wall of ice in front of them.

‘’Oh yeah, I guess my partner miscalculated the whole thing.’’ Alex pretends to joke. 

‘’Sure, blame me.’’ Killer Frost replies sarcastically in the background “You’re the brain, gorgeous, I’m the muscles remember?’’ 

Maggie rolls her eyes, wondering how the criminal make her voice sound like she's always flirting. She looks at the ice blocking the front doors and surrounding the building, where is the Blur when you needed her?

‘’You heard her, Officer. I’m the brain, here. Maybe I just wanted to talk to you. Maybe I got in here...simply waiting for your phone call.’’ 

Maggie closes her eyes at the serious tone and the lack of teasing. She's a good officer, she knows that. She's even hoping to be a detective someday. Hell, soon. Kara has been helping her study for the exam, but Maggie can't for the life of her, figure out Alex right this moment.

‘’Well, next time, answer on the first call. You can always talk to me, Alex. You know that.’’ Maggie reminds her ex-best friend softly. 

The woman let out a tired sigh and Maggie looks up to the sky, waiting for the Blur to show up.  

‘’You keep saying my name like you know me.’’ Alex points out. 

Maggie thinks back of all those study sessions they had in her dorm in Central City. The parties they attended, the movies nights they had.  

‘’There was a time I knew you better than anyone else.’’ Maggie admits. 

_Even more than your sister_ , Maggie almost adds, but she knows it won’t help. Alex seems to have lost her memory since that tragic day during their last year of college.  

‘’What happened?’’ Alex asks curiously, but still wary of whatever piece of information Maggie is willing to offer. 

Maggie looks around herself, noting the uneasiness in her colleagues' posture. She shifts her face toward her own squad car for privacy, her eyes never leaving the frozen building.

‘’You kissed me and then you died before I could make things right.’’ she tells her, her voice slightly trembling and provocative.

There is a long silence, long enough for the Blur to finally show up to melt the ice surrounding the building with her heat vision. She stands there in her blue jacket, fists tight by her sides.  

‘’Hmm, seems like it wasn’t meant to be.’’ Pulse says with hesitation. 

By the sound of it, Killer Frost and Pulse are already done with their task and the Blur choose her moment to flee, running faster than a speeding bullet. Maggie inwardly curses the supposedly hero for her timing. 

‘’And here I am, still talking to you.’’ Maggie adds with urgency ‘’It’s not too late to stop everything. It’s not too late to come home.’’ 

“I don’t know what home is anymore.” Alex declares before hanging up. 

Maggie feels colder and she doesn't know if it's because of the finality in Alex's voice or the fact that Killer Frost gets out of the building, blasting ice off her hands. Pulse covers her with her body, throwing unique shaped knives into the squad cars's tires. Maggie yells immediately at her coworkers, warning them. 

‘’Do not engage! Do not shoot, it’ll only make things worse!’’ Maggie pleads as she watches the duo fire.

She clearly sees Killer Frost smirks at her, her bright white hair falling effortlessly over her blue leather jacket. Maggie wants to throw a punch on her dark blue lips as the criminal circles Pulse’s waist, bringing her with her as she traces a path of ice for them. 

‘’Oh baby, it looks like you got a secret admirer.’’ she mocks, throwing a sharp stick of ice toward Officer Sawyer. 

Maggie nearly growls as she bends down, gripping her Glock solidly in her hands before risking a glance at the gray eyed villain, rising her weapon. But Pulse deftly moves in front of her partner. Maggie barely could see Alex’s eyes under her black mask, but she knows she is looking right at her. 

Then, her coworkers fire multiple times and Maggie feel her heart jumping out of her chest as Pulse hugs Killer Frost, protecting her from the rain of bullets with her clearly bulletproof dark red and green suit. Killer Frost roars and build another wall of ice, locking the cops in the street.  

Maggie turns her head over her shoulder toward a specific dark alley, knowing the Blur would be hiding there until the fight is over.  

‘’Please, get me inside.’’ she mutters, knowing fine well Kara Danvers would hear her. 

The red and blue hero runs past Maggie, creating a hole into the wall of ice for the second time that night. Maggie doesn’t lose any second to run past the squad cars through the hole to run after the duo. 

''Thanks. Now go.'' Maggie tell the Blur.

Kara hesitates, wincing, her eyes shifting between the brunette and the criminals running away.

''It’s okay, I got this. Now go.'' Maggie insists, pushing the girl away.

She knows the Kryptonian wouldn't physically budge from her push, but it got her moving, disappearing again. Maggie doesn't slow down, picking up in speed and running past the side of the building where Pulse and Killer Frost had disappeared.

She is a good runner, she knows that, but Pulse is currently jumping from rooftops to rooftops while Killer Frost simply slid off of them with her powers. 

Officer Sawyer stops, aims and fires. The bullet lodges itself into Killer Frost’s arm and the woman tumbles between two buildings. Pulse launches herself close to the edge and throw a safety net around her partner. She is clearly piss off as she let herself jump off the few feet, taking off her mask and walking toward Maggie. 

‘’Alex, stop!’’ Maggie shouts, rising her weapon. 

The woman doesn’t though, opening her arms wide, barely slowing her steps. 

‘’You can shoot me, Officer, but you know it won’t kill me.’’ Alex roars between her teeth. 

Maggie struggles to swallow, knowing fine well that Alex didn’t talk about her high-tech suit but her self-healing and regenerating powers.  

‘’Maybe it would if you aimed right here’’ Alex says, stepping into Maggie’s space and actually putting her forehead against the tip of her gun. 

The woman feels the rage overcomes her as she pushes Alex off with her left hand, lowering her gun into her holster. 

‘’Damn it, I don’t want to hurt you, Alex, you know that!’’ she grunts, pushing her off again. 

Alex holds Maggie’s hands up and turn her around, locking her in her arms. She struggles in her grip, groaning out of frustration. 

‘’I don’t know what you want from me!’’ Alex growl desperately into Maggie’s ear. 

Maggie stops fighting her and calms down, realizing this is the first time in years she has Alex’s arms around her. She feels the taller woman relax and decides to step away, rubbing her wrists. Alex’s brown eyes are looking at her, trying to understand why Maggie couldn’t let her go. 

“I want my best friend back!’’ Maggie nearly cries ‘’I know that’s unfair to ask, but I just want a chance to truly talk to you.” 

Alex’s breath is hollow and fast, studying her. She looks to her right, her jaw-length auburn hair following the movement as she listens for any sign that back-up is coming. 

“Babe, a little less chatting with your stalker, a little more helping me.” Killer Frost groans, cutting her way out of the net and holding her arm. 

Alex looks back at her partner, worried and doesn’t hesitate to take off her glove as she approaches her. Maggie stays quiet as she watches Pulse put her hand on Killer Frost’s wound. The blonde woman gasps, obviously suffering before sighing out of relief as Alex seems to siphon her pain, gritting her teeth together. 

Maggie frowns at the revelation and confirmation of her theory. Alex couldn’t just heal herself. She could take people’s pain as well as inflict them some. She wants to be alone with Alex so badly. To tell her that she knows, that she understands. 

“Alex...” Maggie whispers, trying to not be hurt at the protectiveness in the redhead’s eyes as she checks over the wound. 

Before Alex could say anything, Killer Frost turns toward her, her silver eyes shining even more. 

‘’Now, let me take care of this one.’’ she snarls, opening her palms covered of ice. 

‘’No, no, stop!’’ Pulse shouts, standing in front of her, between the two women. 

Between her past and her present. 

‘’She shot me!’’ Killer Frost retorts, pushing Alex to the side. 

‘’And I’m ready to do it again!’’ Maggie swears, lifting her gun again. 

The sirens interrupt them, Maggie’s coworkers finally pinging her location and getting back up squad over there. Alex takes her crossbow off her thigh holster and Maggie rushes to grab her arm. 

‘’ _Please_ , don’t.’’ she practically begs. 

She doesn’t remember the last time they stood so close to each other. She could see the faint freckles on Alex’s cheeks and she painfully recognizes the thin line of her pink lips. 

‘’I have to. See you around, Sawyer.’’ Pulse declares, putting back her mask and throwing her arm around Killer Frost’s waist. 

She shoots in the air with her crossbow and the two of them flies off just as the squad cars come to a stop by her side.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone, I want to thank you all for the great feedback! Gave me a boost of confidence and I'm excited to share this story with you all. I apologize for the mistakes as always.
> 
> Happy reading :)

The window is slightly open and a refreshing breeze lifts Maggie’s loose hair on her neck, the rest of it up in a messy bun. She keeps punching and kicking her bag, letting out the frustration of the day, of the years.  

Her boss had been extremely pissed off at her for putting herself in danger, for not having waited for back up and for actually failing at stopping Pulse and Killer Frost. She knows the last one was just a formality, since she was standing against two known criminals. But still. She knows the truth. She wants Alex back but she knows that a day might come, where she will have to bring Alex in. Maggie just doesn’t know if she has it in her to do it.  

She left Gotham city a year after she graduated the police academy, not desiring to stay in a corrupted station in a basically hopeless city with masked vigilantes and even more masked criminals. Oh, the irony of moving to National City to find out that the thief and resigned killer she’s been chasing for a year is the woman that haunted her thoughts since the day she supposedly died.  

Maggie groans and muffles a yell as she ends her training with a rain of punches. She steadies the swinging bag, laying her forehead on it, getting her breathing back in check. Stepping back from it, she reaches for her bottle of water, gulping down a few sips.  

She barely reacts when Kara comes into her apartment through the window, throwing a towel in her face. Maggie glares at her, not even bothering to chastise her for not using the door and exposing herself, and wipes the sweat off her skin before starting to undo the tape around her fists.  

“It was nice to see you there tonight.’’ Maggie grumbles as Kara sits down on the leather armchair.   

“Shush. I sucked, I know.” the blonde woman answers, twirling the chair unto herself. “I tried to stay out of the NCPD way like you told me while still being around, but it’s hard to balance it all out.”  

Maggie rolls her eyes and stops the movement with her foot before sitting down in front of the younger woman. The rookie journalist is wearing her usual blue jacket over a red t-shirt.  

‘’Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Maggie sighs “Hey, I thought Winn was working on your superhero suit.”  

Kara pouts and sighs which makes Maggie chuckle, sometimes having the impression that Kara is still the 15-year-old that she was when she met her all those years ago.   

It was during Thanksgiving back in Alex and her first’s year of college. Alex had invited Maggie and the Latina didn’t actually want to spend the holiday alone so she had accepted, meeting Alex’s mom and sister in the process. While the older woman had been welcoming, she mostly stayed quiet, letting Kara ask all the questions that crossed her mind. Kara had been wary but also excited to get to know her.  

Alex mostly kept her distance with her family during college. Ever since the Danvers patriarch died in a so-called plane crash, Alex didn’t know how to be there for her mother and sister, feeling herself crumble under the sheer pressure of having to be there for the teenage Kryptonian. They talked over the phone a lot and Kara visited often for impromptu sisters' night, but Maggie recalls many conversations with Alex crying over her shoulder and feeling tired of keeping appearances when she was in fact profoundly sick of not being enough.  

It killed Maggie when a few months later, the same tears dwelled up in Alex’s eyes when she pulled back from the intense, maddening and only kiss they ever shared.  

“You know that I’m not a hero, yet. I still have so much to learn.” Kara says as she reaches out for the cold pizza on the coffee table.  

Maggie comes back to the present and hang on to it, balling the tape and throwing it away in the garbage can near the fridge. Kara laughs and throw her fist in the air at her success. Maggie looks back at the young woman that keep her eyes close as she swallows down her pizza.  

‘’What happened tonight just prove that. I still don’t have what it takes to make the hard decision  _I have_  to make. No matter who I’m up against, I’ll have to make the hard call.’’ Kara adds pensively. 

Maggie feels the guilt and the ghost of Eliza’s voice ringing in her head.  

‘’That’s partly my fault.’’ Maggie sighs ‘’I’ve been trying to protect you while still respect your wishes but I think I’ve been holding you back.’’ 

Kara shakes her head, ready to argue. 

‘’Maggie, you lost just as much as I have and still took me under your wings somehow. I tried pushing you away, but no matter how hard I pushed, you were still there. You encouraged me to keep up with my studies and helped me through it. You found me an apartment and even taught me how to cook. You did your best and I’m grateful for everything you did.’’ 

The cop swallows down the emotions, playing with a loose thread on the cushion of the couch. 

‘’Then why are you hanging out with the Hood to teach you tricks?’’ Maggie replies disapprovingly “You know the SCPD consider him as a vigilante, Kar. He used to kill his targets.’’  

Kara looks away like a petulant child and shakes her head. Maggie sighs, knowing that the subject of Kara’s new friend Oliver Queen is a sore one.  

“Not anymore.” she mumbles, playing with a thread of a pillow “And so did Alex.”  

“Because she was forced to, Kara!” Maggie recalls her curtly.  

The blonde girl stays quiet at that, both not in the mood to fight again about Alex’s past actions.  

“Yeah and where did you get all that information huh? You got your own vigilante pal or should I say gal?”  

Maggie breathes in and out, regretting that she snapped at the girl that has become her sister, but she still shoots her a glare that could rival with her heat vision.  

“Batwoman helped me figured out where Alex has been all those years.” she reminds her tightly.  

Kara looks down, exhaling deeply before biting the inside of her cheeks. Maggie already squints at her, daring her to say what she is about to say.  

“Was having sex with her also part of the deal?” she fakes admonishes her.  

Maggie simply rolls her eyes, letting herself fall against the cushion. She doesn’t want to think of past cold nights trying to quell the anger and worry with Kate Kane and her quick but surprisingly soft touches. She looks up at the ceiling, recalling the inevitable break up.  

“You know how much of a mess I was back then.” Maggie says quietly, thinking back of the time she had just faced the more than alive Alex ‘Pulse’ Danvers for the first time “And do I need to remind you it didn’t quite work out between her and me.”  

It hadn’t been the best relationship. Stake out nights exchanging information induced with hot quickies in Batwoman’s lair or Maggie’s backseat. There was affection but no love. Thankfully, after two many nights ending with Maggie being numb and Kate having to go, they decided that being friends was the best course of action.  

“Because you’re still hung up over my sister.” Kara points out, almost to herself.  

Maggie shifted her gaze back to the blue-eyed girl, every word she muttered tugging strings entrapping her heart.  

“I’m not hung up...” she retorts weakly, the lie slurring her words.  

Kara is kind enough to not scoff, leaning toward her with a calming hand on her knee. Maggie fights the urge to push herself away, not liking to be touched when she is on edge.  

“You’ve been looking for her for two years.” she gently tells her.   

As if she didn’t know already, as if she could forget. Forget the months she failed.  

“Someone has to!” Maggie blurts out defensively, standing up.  

Kara follows her move even though she recoil at the implied accusation.  

“Her heartbeat changed, Maggie.” Kara replies painfully, stating the obvious. That she couldn’t track her by ear anymore “ _She_  changed! I miss my sister more than anything, but clearly she isn’t the same or she would have come home.”   

They are both breathing haphazardly and Maggie is too upset to answer yet.  

“If there is a part of our Alex in her, she wouldn’t want us to chase her ghost for the rest of our lives.” Kara adds on, tears falling on her cheeks, guilt twisting her not so young face.  

Maggie understands, she does. She knows Alex, well she knew her and through the few phone calls they had in the past few months, her ex-best friend made it clear to stop looking for her. But Maggie wouldn’t, she simply couldn’t.  

“I was there, Kara.” Maggie says tiredly, the memory still breaking her heart, still giving her nightmares “I held her in my arms as she died. And then, we learned that she didn’t. I let whoever took her...take her away from us.”  

She feels like going another round on her punching bag but she’s physically exhausted. Kara circles around the coffee table to reach her, putting her hands on her shoulders to ground her back to this moment.  

“It wasn’t your fault, Maggie. You couldn’t have known.”  

Maggie shakes her head, her own tears falling down on the carpet between them.  

“It doesn’t matter, Kara! She was my best friend. I was...wrecked when she died.” Maggie recalls her, her voice breaking off “When I first saw her... alive again, I didn’t care that she was different. If there’s even a tiny chance that Alex is still in there under whatever armor she’s wearing, I have to take it.”  

Kara nods approvingly and pulls Maggie into a hug, being mindful to not crush her. Maggie holds her tightly, knowing that while five years ago after Alex’s death, Maggie steps in to fill the big sister’s shoes, Kara had been there for her just the same. To make sure she eats, she sleeps, taking her mind off work and her secret project by making her watch romcoms movies.   

“Just be careful, Maggie. I already lost a sister, I don’t want to lose you too.” Kara cried in her shoulder.  

The brunette pulls back softly, wiping Kara’s cheeks, recalling the time the youngest Danvers used to wear glasses. She hasn’t seen them in years.  

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me. If Alex wanted me dead, she had the opportunity to kill me tonight and long before that.” Maggie assures Kara “Besides, I know the Blur is just a shout away. It’s a stupid name by the way.” she jokes.  

Kara snorts knowingly before pointing at her clothes.  

“Better than the initial Red-Blue-Blur Winn wanted to go with.” Kara snickers. 

Maggie picks up the box of pizza and walks to the kitchen, cleaning up a bit. 

“This is what happens when you follow your cousin’s footsteps.” Maggie comments with a side smile “Just make sure you go to your own rhythm and respect your own values, Kar.”  

Kara smiles slowly at her and Maggie has to look away, once again seeing Alex’s mimics in her sister. She clears her throat and rejoins Kara once more.  

“I'm proud of you, kiddo. Alex would be too.” Maggie murmurs, hugging the blonde woman again.  

They both stay quiet about the fact that Alex would likely be upset about Kara exposing herself and pull back to smile sadly at each other.  

“I gotta go work on my meaningless assignment.” Kara declares “You get some rest Maggie. You earned it.”   

Maggie isn’t so sure about that. She only feels like she’s failing at everything. Her job. Lying about Pulse’s true identity. Her many failed relationships. All the women that said she was too hard-headed, insensitive and borderline psychopath. All of this because she lost Alex five years ago and is desperate to get her back. It’s the one thing she refuses to fail. 

She let Kara go before going to her bathroom to take a quick shower. Looking at herself through the mirror, she knows she isn’t the same person she used to be and it is unfair and naïve of her to expect Alex to still be her once upon a time best friend.  

But her eyes were still the same. Stubborn, fiery, impossibly brown, wide and full of questions. Just like the day they met. Their friendship hadn’t always been easy but they once made a promise in a dull bar in Central City; ride or die. 

And Maggie isn't about to let go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the questions will be answered in the next chapter ;)
> 
> Anyone caught the Smallville reference? ;D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I cannot say it enough how important it is for authors to get feedback to keep writing, so I thank all of you who took a second to leave a comment and kudos.  
> This is an important chapter as we finally find out what happened to Alex all those years ago.  
> For those of you who missed it or didn't know, Kara's current superhero nickname is The Blur which was Clark Kent's first vigilante name when he started in Metropolis in the TV show Smallville before becoming Superman. Tho it was previously The red blue blur.  
> In case some of you missed it, Atlas98 and I posted the first chapter of a fix-it fic last week, Redamancy if you want to check it out.  
> Thank you all for reading, enjoy!

They barge into the building that is currently their cheap lair slash safe warehouse. Alex kicks the door closes behind them before guiding Frost up the stairs. The wood creaks under their weight but Alex ignores it, grabbing her partner's arm hoping she would go faster. 

"Will you relax, baby? Nobody followed us here."  

The blonde's sultry tone does nothing to reassure Alex as she pushes Frost onto the way too old bed, the spring roaring too loudly for her liking. Alex goes to the wooden panels on the window, opening them slightly, the moonlight brightening the dusty room just a little bit. Satisfied at the absence of sirens, Alex walks around the room, lighting up candles and lanterns. She still couldn't shake off the nerves, her skin prickling where the Officer's hand had rested. It had felt oddly familiar as if the touch belonged to a past life. 

Not wishing to dwell on it at the moment, she goes to the last table that is still standing and picks up a cup, filling it with water from the bowl. Returning toward her friend, she kneels and takes Frost's hand in hers, encouraging her to take the cup. The gray-eyed woman smirks slightly, ice coming off her fingertips to cool off the glass. Alex gives her a small grateful smile as they both sip the water until the cup is empty.  

The redhead stands up and undo the straps on her shoulders, taking off her green and dark red plastron, dropping it heavily on the floor. She does the same for her belt and takes off her long sleeve protector, leaving her in a black tank top. She breathes through her nose, still feeling the sting from the bullets the NCPD rained on her. Her friend reaches out to her, forcing her sit down on the bed. 

"I don't understand why you didn't let me kill her." she snarls "They did a number on you and I want to remind you that she shot me." Killer Frost whines. 

Alex bites down the curses and turns her back on her partner, letting her take off her shirt, wishing the air would be less hot and more breathable through the dust. 

"You got nothing to complain about. We got what we wanted and I took off your pain." Alex replies through her teeth. 

She hears the other woman sighs and Alex exhaled loudly out of relief, feeling the metahuman's cold hands on the burns on her back and sides. 

"Why is it you think that I don't care if you're in pain?" she asked. 

Alex takes a deep breath, turning back toward her friend. Her blue lips hold a frustrated smile as she bores her eyes into her partner in crime’s. 

"Come on, all you care about is your own pain, Frosty." Alex half-teases her, unzipping her blue leather jacket to take a look at that wound "Don't pretend your selfishness is not the reason you're still alive." 

Killer Frost grabs her forearm sharply and Alex rolls her eyes at her temper. 

"Stealing that piece of tech was for you." she reminds her. 

"You did it for the thrill." Alex retorts curtly. 

The blonde woman laughs shortly, snickering and dropping her arm. 

"Maybe, but it was for you too, baby." she insists, lifting Alex's chin with her fingers. 

Alex holds her eyes and nods once, knowing that deep down she is telling the truth. 

"Only because you're afraid of being alone." she mutters softly, before standing up, causing Killer Frost to lose contact with her. 

"Wow, you're really mad about the fact that I wanted to end that Officer." 

Alex freezes harshly, before picking up her suit and carries it to the couch, taking off her boots and bulletproof pants in the process. She couldn't even explain why the statement stuck a nerve like that. Fumbling through her duffle bag, she retrieves a navy Henley shirt and put it on along with black jeans. Alex sits down to tie off her ankle boot before feeling Killer Frost's arms around her neck, somewhat embracing her. 

"And here I was, thinking we were a team." she susurrates in her ear, dropping cold kisses along her neck and jawline. 

Alex stays still before grabbing the blonde's hands to stop her. She gets up to avoid her touch again, roaming around the room to find her black caban pea coat. 

"Because we are a team, Alex!" Killer Frost finally snaps "You seems to have forgotten where we come from!" 

"I DID forget where I come from!" Alex roars, turning back towards the blonde "You nearly killed the one person that seems to know who I used to be!" 

So, it is why she is upset. Alex takes a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts as a growing headache pulses against her forehead. Killer Frost walks around the couch, grabbing the lapels of Alex's jacket. 

"And while you forgot, me and Caitlin were there to pick up the pieces!" she shouts "We did our best to protect you while we've been through hell together. You can lie to yourself all you want, you can pretend you were different than us back then, but the truth is we were a team! Or did you also forget that Leonard sacrificed himself to save our lives?!" 

Alex pushes her friend back, struggling to breathe under the truth.  

It is a strange concept to remember your very first memory. All she can recall is waking up by Caitlin Snow's side five years ago and the girl telling her there has been an incident. Caitlin told her briefly about her boyfriend working at the S.T.A.R. Labs in Central City and how they were working on a particle accelerator device that would power the whole city. But the day it was activated, the particle accelerator exploded, sending a huge shock-wave into the clouds and through the entire city. 

Caitlin admitted that some people gained abilities from the shock-wave and that she and Alex herself had great chances of having some as well as they were hit by it that day when they were in the library of the Central City's University. Which turned out to be the truth since Alex survived a fatal injury according to Caitlin. She had been pierced through the stomach by a metal bar when the other girl found her and snatched her away before some black ops showed up, taking in and disappearing with the bodies. 

Both young women stayed hidden because they learned that those people were part of an organization called A.R.G.U.S that apparently had been tasked to capture every citizen that gained powers. Metahuman, they called them. So, Alex and Caitlin hid behind closed doors, travelling from shelter to shelter, sometimes stealing food at the market so they could eat. 

It didn't take long for Alex to eventually meet Caitlin's alter ego. They had had a petty argument and Caity was never one for getting upset but her other persona had taken over, blasting a wave of ice at Alex. Thankfully, Alex recovered easily due to her powers and they managed to work through it all together.  

And ultimately, Caitlin and Alex had been caught. 

The agency's director, Amanda Waller, came to them, locking them up and told them they were being recruited to be part of a Task force called The Ghost Initiative. Alex, Caitlin and a few others criminals would undertake high-risks missions around the world for A.R.G.U.S to avoid prison or obtain reduced time. Alex had felt hopeless. While she lost her memories, her instincts and basic knowledge remained and her guts were telling her to run the hell out of there. But of course, that Waller woman warned them about the explosive chip induced in their spines that would go off if they ever tried to escape. 

It was basically a suicide squad. 

Alex and Caitlin had met their team promptly; Black Siren, Golden Glider and her brother Captain Cold. Caitlin became Killer Frost and _she_ became Overkill. 

Alex didn't remember but already had some kind of training. But at A.R.G.U.S, she became nearly infallible at hand to hand combat. She learned to control her powers, finding out she could not just heal herself but others, take away their pain as well as inflict it upon them. She hated the last one. She hated that they made her use it. That they turned her into an assassin. Into Overkill. 

  

 _The truck roars and barely move despite the rocks beneath the tires. Despite the forced missions, Alex loves driving that tank. She is the designated driver among their group of misfits and while she knows, none of this is up to her, it feels as if_ _this is_ _her last freedom left._  

 _She sneaks a glance to her right and notices Killer Frost's silver eyes focus far ahead the road back to HQ. She almost seems relaxed and it doesn't sit right with Alex_ _._ _N_ _ot after what they did._  

 _“_ _How can you be okay with what we just did?" Alex asks slowly, setting her eyes in front of her "I get that some guys are bad, but that one...he was trying to help people."_  

 _The man's dark brown eyes_ _were_ _going to_ _haunt her tonight. His black hair now tainted with the red of his own blood, the blood she has on her hands wouldn't leave her head from now on. One more name to the list of her kills._  

 _"You know what Waller would say_ _:_ _Our_ _enemy_ _is never as evil as we imagine. And maybe we're never quite as good.'' Killer Frost says nonchalantly._  

 _Alex locks her jaw, keeping her mouth shut about the things she'd like to do to Amanda Waller, the pain she'd like to inflict her. One touch and the vile woman would feel pain like she never had before._  

 _She looks into the rearview mirror and meet Laurel Lance's_ _hazel_ _eyes and arched eyebrow. She seems to read into her mind and Alex knows that every one of them would rip Amanda's head off if they could._  

 _"It's my point exactly, Frosty." Alex chooses to say instead "Ted Grant was one of the last standing leg of the Glades. We just put Wildcat down, will we have to put Wild Dog down as well?"_  

 _Alex forces herself to calm down. She knows that it's not Killer Frost's fault but Alex couldn't deal with the guilt anymore. She hopes Rick Flag left a bottle of whiskey under her bed back at HG, or else she doesn't know how she'll makes it through the night._  

 _If Frosty shows up in her room tonight, it would be messy like it has been too many times before. She couldn't find it in her to end it though, their lives in this damn task force X is pretty lonely and they all had so many_ _pant_ _up energy from being locked-up, they had to let it out somehow._  

 _"We are not here to ask questions." Killer Frost reminds her, glaring at her._  

 _"Maybe we should." Alex ignores the other woman's irritation and focus on the road ahead._  

 _The blonde simply huffs and moves out of the passenger seat to rejoin Captain Cold in the back, rolling a ball of ice between her fingertips. Alex rolls her eyes at her childish behavior and nods at Black Siren, the_ _hazel_ _-eyes girl sitting by her side._  

 _"What about you guys?_ _Y'all_ _okay with what we just did?" Alex insists, looking at Lisa_ _Snart_ _and her brother._  

 _"As long as they let me use my gun, I don't care who is on the other side of it." the man replies slowly, sarcasm lacing his words._  

 _Alex shakes her head, knowing it was on her for asking._  

 _"You really mean that?" she retorts anyway._  

 _Without looking at him, she knows that Leonard_ _Snart_ _is currently rolling his eyes._  

 _"Look, girls, we do what we have to do. We've done so for the last two years. Now is the moment you choose to grow a conscience?"_  

 _Alex shut off at that, knowing that when he wanted to,_ _Snart_ _could aim for the throat. She isn't ready to drop it this fast, this time._  

 _"Aren't you tired of being manipulated into doing their dirty work? Being threat_ _e_ _ned to blow your head off? Threatening your sister's life! If I had a sister...." Alex stops talking at that moment, feeling a shock in her brain._  

 _She hides it effectively and ignores Killer Frost's eyes on her. Because her alter ego, Caitlin Snow told her the truth. Alex does have a sister. She just can't remember her._  

 _She feels Laurel briefly squeezes her shoulder, knowing the pain of losing a sister as hers died when she joined Laurel's boyfriend, Oliver Queen, on a_ _cruise_ _trip on the Queen's gambit. A thunderstorm wrecked the boat, leaving its occupants off the sea to drown. They never found their bodies though and the tragedy drove Laurel over the edge. Crumbling under alcoholism, Laurel build herself back up after the particle accelerator explosion, gaining her powers and becoming Black Siren._  

 _A.R.G.U.S picked the ex-lawyer up when Black Siren went after the drunk driver that killed Laurel's dad. While it hasn't always been easy to get along with her, Alex could relate to her in ways she couldn't explain._  

 _Laurel turns toward her, getting her undivided attention._  

 _"Listen, the hardest thing to do is to be a hero when no one expects you to be. The easier path is to be a criminal." she tells her seriously "Truth is. We could all stop what we’re doing, Alex. But we’ve been trained for this. We’ve been trained to fear death. Our instincts_ _is_ _to run the hell away from here and yet here we are.’’_  

 _Alex cast a gla_ _n_ _ce at Laurel, the sun reflecting on her nose's ring. She muses on her words and something shift in her. The desire to be better, to be free, to not be Overkill anymore._  

 _“This could stop. Tonight.” Alex says, hoping she isn't the only with the sudden realization._  

 _She hears a snicker behind her and briefly looks at Captain cold, the man adjusting his black leather jacket and toying with the goggles around his neck. He looks back sharply at her with his blue eyes._  

 _“And how do you suggest we do that...Overkill” he snarls, a nearly invisible_ _g_ _rin adorning his thin lips._  

 _Alex wish she could stop the truck and truly talk about this but knows that if any of them derail the plan, Waller's would blow them up._  

 _“You and me. We come up with a plan.” she simply replies confidently, ignoring the three other women rolling their eyes._  

 _“I do like the sound of that.” Leonard says, his eyes shifting to the ceiling, his mind already working on something._  

 _The brunette sitting by his side hit his knee, her own blue eyes filling with apprehension. Alex knows that Lisa trust her brother but planning a coup against A.R.G.U.S is the most dangerous thing all of them_ _would have done._  

 _“What if the plan fails?” Killer Frost asks out_ _loud, visibly pleading Alex to drop this._  

 _“Make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails... throw away the plan.” Captain Cold tells everyone, repeating his mantra._  

 _Alex smirks along with Laurel as Lisa finally sighs, adjusting the grip on her weapon._  

 _“Well, what’s one last suicide mission?” Golden Glider finally agrees, ready to follow her brother anywhere._  

 _“You read my thoughts exactly, sis.” Leonard grins at her, knocking his cold gun against Lisa's gold gun._  

 _Laurel snorts at the turn of event and readjust herself comfortably in her seat._  

 _“Well, I’d prefer it if I don’t die, but whatever let_ _'_ _s do this.” she declares._  

  

Alex is brought back to the present as she leans on a chair, the weight of her past still laying on her shoulders. She looks at the cracks on the floor and the dirt in them. It reminds her how much of her history she hadn't digged into yet. 

"I could never forget how Snart died. He sacrificed himself to save his sister's life and our own and I'll forever be in debt to him because of that. You know how grateful I am for you as well. For the both of you." Alex assures her friend "But I want to see her." 

Flashes of that cop comes back to her mind. Her tan skin, her dark hair and her deep brown eyes. Every time she closes her eyes, she could see her. Staring at her. Waiting for her. To do what, she doesn't know, but Alex feels this urge to go toward her. 

She lifts her head and frowns, realizing that Caitlin Snow stands in front of her, soft golden eyes looking up at her.  

"Hey what is it?" Alex asks softly. 

Caitlin walks around the couch to sit on it, a sad smile adorning her lips as she shrugs. 

"I'm scared of the day you'll leave me behind." she sighs. 

Alex feels her heart twist at the idea of leaving her one true friend and throwing her to the wolves. There is so many people looking for them. The cops, Amanda Waller. They constantly had to be on the move.  

She walks toward the girl and sit by her side, rushing to grab her hand. She squeezes Caitlin's fingers between her own. 

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere without you." she swears, fear nearly paralyzing her at the mere thought of being out there in the world without the one remaining person of her past. 

The one person that knew who Alex Danvers truly was. 

"Don't lie to me Alex. You love her, you always have." Caitlin smiles again. "Even if you don't remember." 

Alex struggles to swallow. Even after years of being friends with Caity, she still isn't used to her honesty. To her kindness. 

Her words resonate something in deep in her belly. In her head, it is still blurry and her first instinct is to deny it. But Caitlin never lie to her and Alex, while she doesn't remember, feelings remained, locked away in her mind but very much present in her heart. 

"I love you too." she feels herself forced to add, wanting to reassure her friend "And Frosty." 

They share a small smile and Caitlin half-shrugs again. 

"Only because there was nobody else left to love." she points out sadly. 

Alex opens her mouth and closes it again. She tries to think about the past and how life sort of forced them together. She knows that she forgot the people that used to be there for her, but Alex can't imagine going through that hell with anybody else.  

"Same goes for you." she finally says pitifully, recalling conversations with Caitlin in the tent they shared under a bridge the few nights they had to sleep outside. 

Caitlin chuckles softly and shakes her head. 

"You think I don't know that?" she replies, tipping her head to the side "We both lost someone in college. The thing is, I remember Ronnie. And he's gone." Caity tells her, her eyes set on a point over her shoulder "You have the chance to get to know Maggie again, so of course, you would take it." 

Alex stays quiet, knowing that on that tragic day, they didn't just lose their loved ones but their whole lives and even more, Alex lost her memory. When she saw Officer Sawyer for the first time on that crime scene months ago, she had frozen on the spot, nearly letting the NCPD a chance to arrest her before Killer Frost snapped her out of it. 

Because Officer Sawyer's beauty was out of this world. But it was more than that. Her heart had beat even faster than usual in recognition. She had messed up her mission with Killer Frost but couldn't find it in herself to care and stayed up all night, trying to remember until Caitlin had joined her, telling her that the cop was no one else but Maggie. Her former dormmates she lost all memories off. 

"Look, I know that your relationship with K is complicated." Caitlin adds "I know that she loves you in her own way but I also know that you're not happy, Alex. And while I feel her pain, I also feels yours. I don't need your powers to feel that." 

Caitlin squeezes Alex's hand and while she couldn't take away the torment with her hands, she put a balm on her heart with her words. 

"And after everything we've been through...you deserve a real, full happy life." 

Alex snaps her head up at that, the statement sounding so familiar in her ears. Caitlin smiles at her softly. 

"Yeah, that's what Maggie told you when you came out to her and second guessed yourself." Cait admits "First and foremost, she was your best friend. So, yeah...I think you should go talk to her. I'll take care of Frosty." 

Alex sighs, somewhat out of relief and leans forward to hug Caitlin, scratching her golden-brown hair. 

"Thank you, Caity. You're a good friend." she whispers. 

The other girl laughs shortly, pulling back and nodding at Alex. 

"Hey, we've always been there for each other. That's not gonna change, right?" Caitlin asks, a spark of worry flashing through her brown eyes. 

Alex shakes her head reassuringly. 

"Never." she declares before standing up and kissing the top of Caitlin's head. "Don't wait up, okay? I'll come back, I swear." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is, the truth! You know the drill, tell me what you thought of this chapter and leave kudos if you liked it!  
> You all know what's coming up next: Alex and Maggie meeting again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, life has been hectic, my computer is having problems but here I am. Thank you all for the feedback. Here's the chapter you've been waiting for. Enjoy!

**_ The tiles resonate under her feet and Maggie frowns, looking from her ankle boot to the door in front of her. She knows she is dreaming, the letters announcing Commissioner Gordon's office being blurry. She recognizes the space though, the desk and the man standing behind it with a patient smile. _ **

**_ ''Are you sure about this, Sawyer? I can feel a bright future for you here, kid.'' the older man says, replacing his glasses back on the top of his nose. _ **

**_ Maggie can't stop the smile on her face, her mentor's faith in her being one of the reasons that kept her going in this damned place. _ **

**_ ''No offense, Sir, but a bright future in Gotham is  _ ** **_ kinda _ ** **_  depressive.'' Maggie replies. _ **

**_ Gordon laughs softly, nodding at her. His thumb and forefinger brush his mustache absentmindedly. _ **

**_ ''I know, kid. I'm proud of you for knowing and doing what's best for you.'' the commissioner adds ''No matter where you end up, they'll be lucky to have you. I know it's soon to tell, but I know you'll be a great cop, Maggie Sawyer.''  _ **

**_ Maggie blinks back the tears and look around the office, smoke filling up the floor and Gordon's desk. She looks back at him, squinting at his stillness. _ **

**_ ''One thing I hope you learned here is that not everything is black or white.'' Gordon declares, his voice slightly being distorted. ''Remember that the day you'll have to stop her...'' _ **

**_ Maggie takes a step back, not recalling the day her mentor said that last line. She turns around and find herself in a dark street, a spotlight shining on a fight going on. Maggie can only make out shapes, red and black peeking through the fog. _ **

**_ Then a blonde woman dressed up as a doll walks towards her with a demonic smile. Maggie feels her heartbeat accelerates but her arms freezes despite her effort to reach for her gun. _ **

**_ ''Alice!'' a woman screams. _ **

**_ The blonde woman laughs and dances around until  _ ** **_ Batwoman _ ** **_  shows up in all her black leather and red wig glory. Maggie chokes on the warning that wants to cross her lips, but it's too late.  _ ** **_ Batwoman _ ** **_  stood in front of the kneeling and bloody doll that keep laughing, blood falling down her chin. _ **

**_ ''Alex!'' a familiar girl shout. _ **

**_ Maggie turns around again, expecting to see Kara but all that she sees is Alex in her Overnight suit and  _ ** **_ Batwoman _ ** **_  fighting mercilessly each other. Punches and kicks kept landing and Maggie tries to walk toward them but she can't move. She looks to her right and find Kara in a fetal position, green rocks surrounding her on the ground.  _ **

**_ ''Don't let my sister die again.'' the blonde girl tell her. _ **

**_ Maggie groans and manages to take her gun out of her holster, pointing toward the two women still fighting. Then they stop abruptly and Maggie almost loses her balance under the weight of their gaze. Old and new friend. _ **

**_ She raises her weapon and Alex stands at the end of it, mask off, in her Pulse suit. Her gloved hand reaches for the Glock and put it firmly on her own forehead. _ **

**_ ''You can shoot me, Officer, but it won't kill me.'' she says slowly, her words echoing in Maggie's brain ''Maybe it would if you aimed right here.'' _ **

**_ Maggie feels herself tremble, the rage making her want to scream. So, she does. _ **

**_ ''NO!'' she roars. _ **

**_ A gunshot resonates and Alex falls to the ground. Maggie falls with her, catching her lifeless body. She screams again and cries, Alex's blood pouring out of her body and on the carpet of the CCU's library. _ **

**_ She looks around and find hundreds of books surrounding them, a few bodies lying close to the fallen shelves. Her eyes drift back to Alex. Her beautiful, young, dying Alex. _ **

**_ ''Please, no.'' she sobs in Alex's long reddish curls. _ **

**_ Her hand fall on her best friend's chest, trying to find her heartbeat. She freezes when she finds none and looks up to the whiskey brown eyes usually so full of life, staring at her, dead. _ **

**_ ''Just hold me and never let me go?'' Alex whispers, making Maggie shivers. _ **

**_ She feels complete fear and complete love, but she answers anyway. _ **

**_ ''Never.'' _ **

 

Maggie wakes up, startled and sitting upright.  She hates it when she dreams. Because when she does, it often turns into nightmares. Of her time in Gotham, with Gordon, Kate and Dick Grayson. Of here in National City, her cases and how she wants to protect Kara. And of her college days in Central City, with Alex and their unachieved story. She'd often dream of the day she allegedly died. How Alex bled out in her arms. And now, adding to the mix, the memory of Alex putting her forehead against Maggie's own gun.

Maggie forces herself to wake up, breathing haphazardly. She shakes her head,  sharpen ing her senses, convinces she had heard a noise. A window closing shut.  Reaching into her nightstand, she grabs her  G lock and slowly get out of bed. Sneaking a glance at the clock, she realizes it's nearly two a.m. Tiptoeing toward her bedroom door, she carefully pushes it open, keeping her gun high on the silhouette standing in front of her fridge. Noticing the dark  caban  jacket and dark boots, Maggie takes a small step forward, recognizing the jaw-leng th  hair.

"Put your hands up slowly." she finally announces herself, her heart resonating around the apartment.

She watches as the shadow moves away from the fridge, turning toward Maggie.

"Hello, Officer." the low voice says.

Maggie covers the tremble in her body, taking another step forward, not softening her stance yet.

"Don't make me say it twice."

She is close enough now to see the sad smirk on Alex's lips, the moon allowing her to see her ex-best friend. Alex finally lifts her hands up, her mouth shut purposely, probably stopping whatever mockery she wanted to let out.

"Good, now turn around." Maggie adds curtly, hoping Alex wouldn't notice the nerves in her tone.

Alex does as she is told and Maggie doesn't hesitate, pushing her slightly against her kitchen's isles, forcing her hands down on the platform. Locking her hips down with her own, Maggie focuses on the task at hands, searching Alex's body for weapon, instead of the distracting warmth emanating from the taller woman's proximity.

"Is this just an excuse to put your hands on me?" Alex suddenly breaks the silence.

Maggie stops briefly, her hands hovering the redhead's left leg. She looks up and meet Alex's brown eyes, amusement and wonder shining in her pupils. Maggie breathes through her nose, finishing her search, hoping her darker complexion and the darkness of the room would cover up the blush rising up her cheeks.

"You know I could disarm you in three seconds." Alex adds.

The off ic er rolls her eyes and huff, standing once more to turn Alex around. The anti - hero catches herself on the counter as Maggie holster her weapon in the back of her boxer brief.

"Why, don't you?" she replies challengingly.

The corner of Alex's lips tugs at that and Maggie's eyes follow the small movement, overwhelmed by the familiarity of it. Alex seems to look down at the Latina's mouth as well and leans closer, causing Maggie to inhale. 

"There are things I want to know." she murmurs pensively.

Alex actually reaches out behind her, her hand leaning on the fridge and Maggie freezes, her hand going straight to her gun. But Alex simply snicker and grabs the picture on the appliance, the magnet falling on the floor in the process.

Half-disappointed and half thankful that Alex takes a step to the side, Maggie slips away, taking a few seconds to breathe. She wants Alex back, but she has to be careful. Alex isn't just her Alex anymore. She became someone else, something else and is with someone else as well.

She watches Alex as she stud ies  the picture in her hands. Maggie recognizes it. It's one of the photo s  that was taken back in their dorm. Kara had visited her sister and had pouted, begging for a picture. So ,  the three of them had bundled up on their couch, Maggie leaning on Alex's temple to fit in the frame.

They looked so peaceful. So happy. Two best friends being in love but not knowing yet.

"Who are you?" Alex asks, her eyes still set on the picture, her fingertips tracing Maggie's face, then Kara's.

Maggie is somehow surprised by the question and isn't sure what to answer. Between their phone calls during heists, they never really communicated and now that Alex is here in the privacy of her apartment, Maggie is at lost on what she should do.

Alex tips her head to the side and give her a tight smile.

"You wanted me here in front of you, but you don't trust me." she understands quickly.

Maggie swallows down the apology. In reality, they don't own each other anything, but the mere thought hurt her and it seems to pain Alex as well, even though she mostly seems bemused by the situation.

Thing is, it isn't just about Alex. It's also about Pulse and that comes with Killer Frost. While Maggie is willing to give  everything  she has to have her former best friend back and forgive her for a few things, she couldn't extend the same olive branch to the blond villain.

"I don't trust your girlfriend actually." Maggie decides to say "Besides, there are people I need to protect. You, of all people, would understand that, Danvers."

She let the silence overcome them until she adds:

"I'm Maggie."

Alex nods slowly, knowingly, a small genuine smile cutting comes on her lips, cutting off Maggie's breath.

"Maggie." Alex repeats, testing the name, visibly not for the first time.

The cop leans back against the kitchen counter for support, not knowing how long she has until her legs gives in. She doesn't know what to think of the fact that Alex seems to at least be aware of her existence. Maggie smiles back at her nonetheless.

"You, um, you did the same thing when we first met." Maggie admits "Well, the first thing you said was 'What the hell do you think you're doing in my dorm?!' but when I told you my name, you did just you like now...you don't remember that, do you?"

Alex shakes her head and it hurt Maggie more than she'd like to admit. She is stuck on this side of a once upon a time friendship, alone with her memories and her wishes. 

"It sound s  familiar in here." Alex admits, grasping at her stomach "But up here, it's like trying to remember the plot of a movie you've seen once."

Maggie nods slowly, understanding and quietly walks toward the couch in her modest living room, feeling Alex following her. They sit down side by side and face to face and Maggie wonders if it's all a dream. Having Alex this close and yet so far out of reach, is still one of her current nightmares. But getting to see Alex's freckles on her nose makes it all for all the nights of worries, of terror.

"What do you remember?" she asks, dreading the answer.

Alex looks away from her, frowning. She lifts her thumb to scratch her eyebrow and Maggie's heart surge forward at the move she saw a thousand times before, more than five years ago.

"Pain." Alex admits with a dry chuckle "When I first woke up, I felt raw physical pain. Caitlin patched me up as best as she could but my powers saved me.  Caity  had to tell me my name, what happened and that we needed to stay low or else we'd become lab rats or soldiers."

Maggie gulps with difficulty, knowing full well what happened to Alex that day in the library. She had been there after all, had held Alex, begging whatever god to let her best friend live. She is grateful that Caitlin had been there, but a part of Maggie is jealous, because she wishes she had been the one by Alex's side all those years ago and the ones following.

‘’I just...don’t understand. I mean, I do but, you bled out in my arms. I couldn’t feel your pulse, your heart.’’ Maggie admits with difficulty, trying and failing to not be vulnerable. ‘’You were dead.’’

Alex’s eyes find hers at that, wide and surprised. Warm and very much alive. Maggie exhales loudly, the familiar look making her ache and feel grateful at the same time. Her prayers had been answered. Alex survived. Through h ell  and back. 

‘’You found me?’’ Alex asks, breaking the silence ‘’I didn’t know that. I’m sorry, I. ..I  don’t remember.’’ she mutters frustratingly ‘’I just know that due to the particle accelerator, it changed me automatically and from that moment, my heart was beating so fast, you can’t feel it to the human touch.’’

Maggie blinks the tears away, squeezing her own hands to not reach out and request Alex to let her feel her heartbeat. She clears her throat and look away from Alex’s questioning eyes.

" Caitlin  didn't tell you about me? About your family?" Maggie asks, thinking of Kara.

Alex shrugs slowly, rubbing her  temple with her fingertips.

"Not at first. I was suffering from a trauma and  Caity  didn't want to overwhelm me. She told me the essential  about my past , but then we got captured. We chose to not talk too much about our personal lives."

Maggie couldn't even fathom how hard it must have been for the both of them.

"You got captured by A.R.G.U.S, didn't you?" Maggie says as a matter of fact.

The taller woman looks at up, completely startled and almost wary. Her eyes move around the room and her hands balls up in fists. Maggie quickly grabs her left wrist, squeezing her hand, hoping to reassure her.

"You kn e w?"  Alex  replies worriedly.

"I didn't until two years ago when a friend of mine crossed your path." Maggie tells her.

Alex thinks about it for a few seconds, a sort of smirk appearing on her lips.

"I hope I didn't hurt them." she laughs shortly.

Maggie can only smile at the sound, not believing she get to hear it again. She clears her throat  once more  thinking back of Kate Kane's frustration after she fought Overkill.

"It was a fair fight." Maggie assures with a grin "After that, I asked her to keep an eye on your activities and we traced it back to a secretive task force."

"It was a suicide squad." Alex correct automatically between her teeth.

A sudden darkness appears on Alex's face and Maggie misses the light in her eyes immediately. The name makes her shiver, making her want to surround her arms around Alex's shoulder to shelter her from any future pain. The redhead seems to realize what she just said and Maggie rushes again to grab her hand.

"It's okay. Nothing will come out of this place." she whispers.

"Why not?" Alex chuckles again dryly and half-shrugs, turning towards Maggie to look into her eyes. 

Maggie takes a deep breath, her thumbs drawing uneven shapes on Alex's skin.

"I've been looking for you...not to bring you in, but to bring you home." Maggie tells her truthfully.

Alex inhaled shakily, shaking her head, not quite understanding the intensity and honesty in Maggie's statement. The brunette sees her look at their old picture now sitting on the coffee table before shifting her gaze back to her.

Maggie stops breathing as Alex lifts her hands slowly, forever softly putting them on Maggie cheeks, her fingers tracing the line of her faces, the dimples, her nose and her eyebrows.

"I recognize the pain in your eyes and I don't know why but it hurts." Alex says, frowning down at her "I never felt this before...why can't I take your pain?"

Maggie tries to smile even though a sob threaten s  to break her facade. She taps her own heart, looking down at their knees touching.

"You can't take this pain. You can't heal overnight a couple of years wound." Maggie mumbles, doing her best to not cry right there and then.

She feels Alex's fingers lifting her chin and she gets lost in her so familiar eyes a bit. Her Alex, she thinks.

"You're so tough and beautiful. So beautiful." Alex whispers almost to herself "How in hell did I forget you?"

Maggie gives in, starting to cry just as Alex starts to panic, standing up and walking around the living room.

"Who...who am I?!" she nearly shouts, her hands reaching up to her hair in frustration.

Maggie stands up as well, joining the taller woman and grabbing her hands to calm her down.

"Hey, hey, relax, take a deep  breath , okay? That's it." Maggie says, showing Alex how to breathe "This is getting too much for you, okay? You're not ready to know everything yet.  So  when you are, come back to me and I'll show you."

Alex slowly calms down and nods. Despite all the years of training, all the fights she fought, Maggie could only see her best friend in those deep whiskey eyes  and God, she doesn’t want to see her go yet.

"Come back to me, alright?" Maggie insists, squeezing her hands. 

The redhead agrees again and Maggie can't help herself anymore, pulling Alex into her arms. She knows it's risky, showing herself so open and vulnerable but she doesn't care anymore. Alex is back in her life and she would do everything to keep it that way.

The air is cri sp  and slightly cold due to the wind, but Alex shudders for different reasons as she wraps her coat tighter around her body. She walks stif f ly, mindlessly as her  thoughts  spirals.

How comes a woman she doesn't even remember affects her so deeply? A woman that apparently  has been  looking for her for a few years. She knows the story, the fact of it at least. Maggie had been her best friend in college and apparently helped her come to term with her sexuality. Caitlin had told her this. But it was all so subjective, like being spectator of someone else's life.

And that blonde girl in the picture. The one with the calming blue eyes and the beaming smile. Her heart tugs at the memory, a growing headache making her groan, the more she is trying to remember.

She admits defeat and stops in a dark alley leading to an empty parking lot. Leaning against a brick wall, Alex wonders why for the thousand times her powers could heal a mundane papercut but not the major migraine coming at her. She could almost hear Caitlin berates her about trauma and the differences between mental and physical injuries.

Alex waits, taking the time to breathe and to clear her head until the business man shows up, bursting through a  blue  portal in a black and red leather jacket. The black-haired man grins at her, closing up the portal behind him and taking off his blue goggles.

''Well, well, if isn't Pulse in person.'' he teases her.

''Is that how they call me these days?'' Alex scoffs and shakes her head, walking toward him.

Cisco Ramon reach out a hand and Alex shakes it firmly , relieved that the man wasn’t afraid to touch her skin.

''Thank you for meeting with me.'' she says as  he  pushes a strand of his hair behind his ear.

''Of course. Don't tell me there's something wrong with the suit?'' the mechanical engineer asks, frowning.

Alex chuckles softly, thinking back of her dark red and green suit the man had designed h er  two years ago per Killer Frost's request. That thing had saved her life more than once.

''The suit is fine, Ramon.'' she answers truthfully, amused by the man's worries.

The  breacher  scoffs and shrugs, sliding his glasses in the collar of his jacket.

''It  better be . It was the best thing I had to offer since somebody stole Robin's suit and sold it on the black market.'' he replies.

Alex laughs out loud this time, always enjoying  Cisco Ramon 's company. Her world is so serious all the time and she rarely relax, constantly looking over her shoulder.

''Oh, what I would have done to wear that suit.'' Alex comments, pretending to dream about it.

It had been a low blow for the vigilante, even Alex could admit that, but she could understand the Red Hood's motivation behind the steal. It had been a huge sell off on the market.

She could feel Cisco's brown eyes on her and Alex briefly thinks back of Maggie's dark eyes before she shakes her head, pushing the woman out of her head.

''It was pretty cool.'' the man confess ''But I doubt you made me come here to talk about suits.''

Alex sighs, nodding slowly. Down to business, she thinks as she retrieve s  the  microchip  she stole earlier tonight with Killer Frost at Mercury Labs.

''Here, I got the payment.'' she tells him, throwing the small device at him ''What are you  gonna  do with it?''

Cisco inspects the tech slowly, nodding approvingly and smirking at the seller.

''That's for me to know and the world to find out.'' he simply retort s  ''What do you need?

She takes a deep breath, thinking back of the unopened boxes in her head and her desire to finally know the truth. About  who  she was and the people she loved.

''I need you to vibe me.'' Alex tells the  breacher .

The man looks stunned, blinking at her and chuckling shortly. He put his hands on his hips and pace in the parking lot for a moment.

''That's...an interesting request.'' he finally says ''Care to be more precise?''

Alex stands in front of him, not in the mood to linger on this. She just wants to get this over with. Rip off the band-aid.

''There are things I need to know about myself, my past. I can't remember a day before the particl e accelerator  explosion happened. I want to know about the people that cares about me. I want my memories back.'' she declares.

Cisco stays silent for a few minutes and Alex knows she stuck a nerve because the man was there that day at S.T.A.R labs, he helped building that machine alongside Harrison Wells and Caitlin's boyfriend Ronnie Raymond. She knows that just like her and  Caity , Cisco was forced to hide his powers, but apparently managed to stay off A.R.G. U.S's  radar. He didn't have to live in the shadows like them. 

''Look, this is not a small thing.'' he starts slowly ''I'm not saying I won't do it but I need you to think about it. Also, try to get information about your past. I'm needed in Central City for a couple of days, when I'll come back, we'll talk about me opening the can of worms that is inside your head.'' 

The scientist opens a breach, putting his goggles back on. Alex rushes forward, stopping him from leaving with her last strand of hope.

''Wait, you'll come back right?!'' she insist s , fisting the lapel of his jacket.

She couldn't see it behind the glasses but she is sure Cisco just rolled his eyes at her.

''You think I'm  gonna  risk Killer Frost's wrath?'' he scoff s  ''Yes, I'll be back.''

''It's my wrath you should be worried about.'' Alex let him go, adjusting the front of his jacket and grins at him. ''Still not gonna tell me what product you use for your hair, huh?'' she teases him .

Cisco laughs at her and shakes his head, walking back toward the portal.

''That's a secret I'll take to the grave!'' he shouts before jumping and disappearing.

Alex stays still on the spot for a moment, allowing herself to feel the cold. She is nervous and scared like that  time  she was standing on the edge of a cliff, Killer Frost encouraging her to follow her path of ice. Instead this time, she is facing a whole life of memories, of people, a truth she would finally uncover.

Officer Maggie Sawyer is standing in the middle of the chaos that is her life and for the first time in a long time, she feels a calm surrounding her heart. A wave of warmth, very similar to the softness of Maggie's hand on hers, enveloping her like a safety blanket she once saw a cop swirl around a kid after he lost his parents.

Above it all, she is scared of her old self meeting who she became.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still nervous about this story. You know the drill, give me feedback :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and comments. It keep me going!
> 
> For those of you who reads With you from dusk till dawn, know that I didn't give up on the story. I did a lot of thinking and decided to finish this current story before going back to that one. DTD is very important to me, I want to do it justice so I'll start working on it/posting again around September. Until then I'll try to finish The line that I'd walk for you and you can expect me and Atlas98 starting to post our new cowritten fic Mrs & Mrs Sawyer soon. I got too many fics at the moment and I'm driving myself crazy x) Thank you all for your patience
> 
> Random note: my version of Amanda Waller is from Smallville portrayed by Pam Grier.

Turning off the oven, Maggie kicks the door close as she lays carefully the lasagna on the kitchen counter. Reaching out to her shooter of tequila, she downs it quickly, wincing at the strong taste. 

She knows her choice of alcohol is not exactly appropriate as she is about to sit down for dinner but almost a whole day had passed since Alex's visit and Maggie still couldn't chase her ghost out of the apartment.

Looking briefly at the picture she put back on the fridge last night, she sighs and pours another shot, pretending to toast to the Danvers sisters.

She retrieves a plate from her cabinet and cut herself a piece of lasagna, bringing it along the bottle of tequila to her dining table. She comes to sit when a knock on the door interrupts her.

Shaking her head, she can't even stop the smile on her face. The officer had texted Kara in the afternoon, informing her she was making her famous lasagna that night. It had been a lure because frankly, Maggie didn't know how to tell the young journalist that Alex had showed up last night. 

She goes to the door and opens it.

''Hey Kara...'' she starts before shutting up, realizing who is on the other side of that door.

Alex is standing there still her black  caban  coat over dark jeans. She looks abnormally casual compared to her Pulse suit and the sight stops Maggie's heart.

''Oh, sorry, were you expecting someone?'' the tall woman asks slowly ''Your girlfriend maybe?''

Maggie chuckles nervously and shakes her head before moving to the side, inviting Alex in.

''Oh no, I don't have a girlfriend.'' she assures her, clearing her throat ''What about you? Is your girlfriend okay with you being here?''

Alex smirks softly and shrugs, walking past Maggie. The officer closes the door and takes a second to breathe, not understanding how her day is ending like this.

''She's not the master of me.'' Alex replies, looking around the room and lifting an eyebrow at the bottle of tequila ''Besides, she's not my girlfriend. It's complicated.''

Maggie walks around her with a scoff, knowing full well how true that statement can be. Their eyes meet and Maggie feels a shock through her whole body. 

''Isn't always?'' the brunette murmurs, forcing herself to look away ''Well, I'm glad Caitlin is okay with us seeing each other.''

She bends over the table, picking up the bottle of tequila, desperately needing the burn as a distraction.

''Oh,  Caity  isn't my...Killer Frost is.'' Alex rectifies.

Maggie stops pouring, somehow surprised by Alex's answer despite having seen the icy woman flirt with Pulse more than once.

''You have an interesting taste in women.'' Maggie grins, downing her shot.

Alex smiles back at that, taking the bottle and the glass from her grip, their skin grazing.

'' So  do you.'' she says, swallowing easily her shot, her eyes never leaving the officer's.

Maggie feels a warm overcoming her, suddenly feeling under a spotlight hotter than the tequila. She clears her throat and walks around the dining table to put some space between herself and the thief, gripping the chair to support herself.

''How did you and her...started dating? If you forgot...'' she starts hesitantly, glad that Alex cut her off.

''My sexuality?'' Alex asks with a bittersweet smile ''Well, like I said last time, Caitlin told me the essential about myself and said that you helped me figure out that I'm gay  back in college .''

The explanation seems so simple and yet, Maggie remembers how much Alex panicked back in the days. How through their hanging out and studies night, her best friend found herself having a crush on her. And it had been reciprocal, but oh, the timing had been wrong and Maggie had been scared. She regrets it now more than anything.

''Now that I've seen you,'' Alex adds with a kinder smile ''I don't find it hard to believe.''

Maggie can't hold those whiskey eyes anymore, shifting her gaze down to the table, hiding her blush and forcing herself to loosen her grip on the wooden chair.

''Do you want something to eat?'' she asks, clearing her throat ''I'll grab you a plate.''

She comes to move past the table but Alex stops her, a hand hovering over her shoulder, not quite touching it, but it is enough to make Maggie shiver and take a step back.

''I accept the offer.'' Alex smiles sadly, then genuinely ''I'll get it  though . Don't trouble yourself.''

Maggie finally sits down, wondering what went through Alex's mind during that split second of sadness. She bites her lip, a small smile showing up anyway at the sight of Alex taking off her jacket to hang it over a chair before walking off to the kitchen counter. Maggie watches the redhead roll the sleeves of her black and grey plaid shirt as she pulls a plate out of her cabinet. The alleged villain cut herself a piece of lasagna and lick her thumb absentmindedly. 

The domesticity of it all should feel strange to Maggie, but truthfully, other than Kara and occasionally Kate, nobody really stays for dinner at her place and having the woman she's been looking for right here...simply feels like a dream come true.

The officer takes a second to clear her mind though, knowing she shouldn't let her feelings take over the fact that Alex is still a wanted criminal. She refrains herself to sigh, not even knowing how she could realistically bring Alex home.

''I didn't expect you to come back so soon.'' Maggie confess softly as the tall woman comes back to the dining table, putting her plate down.

Alex briefly look up at her, softening, before walking back to the kitchen area, ducking in front of the wine cooler, picking a bottle and glasses.

Maggie lift an eyebrow as the redhead finally sits down at the end of the table, by her side. She couldn't help but admire her nonchalance. The way she just takes what she wants. Unapologetically so. 

It makes her wants to do what she desires most, what she couldn't do for hundreds of reasons.

''I hope you don't mind.'' Alex grins, filling up the glasses. ''I haven't had dinner like this in a long time.''

There is a twinkle in Alex's pupils that makes Maggie's toes curls and mentally curses. The redhead is effortlessly attractive as she bends over the table, starting eating. Maggie forces herself to do the same and swallows a large sip of wine as well.

She is startled out of her thought as Alex reaches out to her, fingertips barely grazing the skin of her forearms. Maggie notices the wince on the woman's face as she retrieves her hand.

''I heard what you said yesterday. I know I seemed shocked and I was but I'm ready. I want...to remember.'' Alex swears gently ''I never wanted it as bad as now and I think it has something to do with you.''

Maggie can't even allow herself to breathe, wishing she could just reach out to Alex and intertwine their fingers.

'' I know someone, a contact, that will help me get my memories back, but first, I want you to show me...like you said you would.'' Alex tells her carefully, eyeing Maggie's reaction.

The officer tips her head to the side, a bit confused by the 180. Hell, less than 36 hours ago, they were standing face to face a mile away from a crime scene with Maggie's gun against the vigilante's forehead.

''Wait, a contact?'' she finally asks ''Is it dangerous?''

She wants to scoff at herself for being protective of the woman in front of her. Her ex-best friend that is now a criminal. Yet, she can't help herself.

''Do I seem like the kind of girl who runs away from danger?'' Alex half-smirks, half-shrugs.

Maggie literally rolls her eyes at the true Danvers response.

''You never did.'' Maggie drops curtly ''You solved a murder case back when you were fifteen. But I'm serious Alex, is it dangerous?''

Alex squints at her, probably confused herself by the officer's reaction. Maggie doesn't relent, her eyes set on hers.

''It has its risks.'' Alex admits ''But I want to know, Maggie.''

The brunette closes her eyes, her hand coming to rest protectively on her heart as the sound of her name in Alex's mouth.

''I want to know why when I say your name, I feel like everything will be okay.'' Alex adds up, causing Maggie to meet Alex's eyes again ''You're a cop, I'm a criminal, I shouldn't feel safe to be in the same room as you.''

Maggie takes a deep breath, covering up the chill taking over her body. She wishes she wo re  something over her black tank top, feeling hot and cold at the same time.

'' So  you feel this, this isn't just me?'' Maggie finds herself questioning out loud, looking down at the table.

She hears Alex sighs and finds the courage to shift her gaze towards her. Her redhead hair is tucked behind her ear, showing off her strong jawline and Maggie recognizes a beauty mark on her neck. How come this woman  is  the same old girl she fel l  in love with in college?

''I don't know how you feel exactly.'' Alex admits slowly, shrugging ''You're holding on to a person that might not exist anymore...''

Maggie frowns at that. It was as if Alex had read her mind.

''Don't say that.'' she replies automatically.

Alex's eyebrows almost reach her hairline at that, quietly asking Maggie to be reasonable.

''It's the truth, Officer Sawyer.'' she says, instead of scoffing like Maggie expect her to.

''Don't do that.'' Maggie shakes her head ''You're just scared. You're hiding behind that mask, behind those suits...but I know who you are.''

Alex seems to lean even more forward and Maggie doesn't dare moving, hypnotized by the fire in those whiskey eyes.

''Do you really?'' Alex retorts ''These past few years you've been chasing a ghost, a girl that's been erased and here I am, with my very own past. My bloody past.''

Maggie almost snickers, sinking back against her chair, feeling Alex's eyes following her every movement.

''Why are you here, Alex? Who are you trying to convince that you're a bad guy? You or me?'' Maggie talks back ''I'm not delusional, okay. I'm not just your college best friend, I'm a cop. I know facts, I know how to look at them and work with them, but I also that facts doesn't come alone. It often has history. I wasn't there all the while but I know a bit about yours.''

Alex's whole body seems to shake, her leg jumping up and down under the table and her fingers curling around her own biceps. Maggie could see every muscles tense as Alex dubiously shift her gaze between her and the glass of wine.

''There are things that I've done you would hate me for, Maggie.'' she states slowly, clearly.

Maggie nods, knowing full well about certain atrocities Alex committed in the past, but she also knows about A.R.G.U.S and the horrid program that is the Ghost Initiative.

''I think it's time for you to stop pretending that you're _  just _  a bad person, Alex.'' Maggie starts slowly before Alex cut her off, standing up promptly, causing the chair to fall behind her.

''You think this is pretending?! You think I need to be saved?!'' she roars, fists clenched against her sides.

Maggie slowly get up as well with a sad smile. She faces her ex-best friend and opens her arms slightly, showing she d oes n't intend to hurt her.

''I think you were never good at realizing that people care about you.'' Maggie adds softly.

''I hurt people!'' Alex retorts, nearly screaming, her body hard as steel.

The officer takes a step toward her, showing no fear for once, simply recognizing the torment and the self-deprecating streak in Alex's eyes. The self-doubt.

''And I'm sure you felt horrible for it.'' Maggie goes on ''I'm sure you still feel that guilt and that's why you go out there at night, taking people's pain.''

Alex's breathing is fast and shallow, walking backward into the apartment and Maggie stops approaching her, not wanting to overwhelm her.

''Yeah, I know about that too.'' Maggie confess ''I know about the angel of the night. I know all about her because it's you. It's always been you. You want me to show, I'll show you.''

She prays that Alex will follow her as she crosses the living room and opens the door to her office. Maggie has no idea if showing Alex all her cards would end up with positive results, but she has to try. Just so her best friend can remember who she used to be. Who she still  is.

The walk to Officer Sawyer's office i s  short, but Alex feels like a condemned sentenced to death and a bird about to be set free. She somehow always feels like this. Prisoned and free. She has enjoyed the freedom of the criminal life but is sick of looking over her shoulder, the guilt of her past settling down  heavily  on her shoulders.

Maggie looks back towards her with unencryptable eyes. She nods briefly as the officer opens the door to the room. Alex stands still, the hair on her skin rising, expecting something to hit her head on. Instead, she turns around herself and frowns at what she finds there.

Herself.

Her life.

The timeline of the last five years.

Of where she's been and what she's done.

The walls are covered of maps of cities with black and red pins on specifics place, strings of colors linking them. Pictures of her old team were up on a plexiglass board with their codenames under them. Files and files were sitting over the desk that is as long as the length of the room.

Alex holds her breath as she takes a step forward, stopping in front of the A.R.G.U.S section of the walls, a picture of Amanda Waller and a few of her assets alongside her. She feels the familiar fire under her skin, the prickling sensation making her want to find the forty or so year old woman to make her feel pain.

She almost forgets Maggie's presence behind her and decides to stop looking at the black-haired woman on the wall to focus on a picture of herself back when she was part of Waller's squad.

She looks...dangerous. The picture is blurry and in black and white but she recognizes herself with her short crop hair, the longer strands falling in front of her eyes. Alex almost shivers at the anger in them. She looks scary with the black mask covering her mouth and the black military armor she used to wear. She remembers the lives she's taken with the sword that is tuck on her back, the guns strapped to her sides.

She also remembers the power it gave her. To stand on her own and with her team. To be able to hurt people with the mere touch of her hand. Mostly, she remembers the sleepless nights.

Black Siren had tried to help with her guilt. Had told her that surviving unscathed was impossible. Letting go of parts of herself was inevitable. But Alex had seen Laurel lie through her teeth and they had held hands to mourn the people they used to be.

Alex clears her throat at the memories and looks down for a second, sensing Maggie's hand not far from her. She moves quickly, not entirely in control of her powers right this moment. Looking around the room, she curses the lack of window before focusing on her breathing.

It takes her a minute or two and she quietly thanks Maggie for her silence and patience. Alex catches from the corner of her eyes a series of article surrounding the only computer in the room.

Reaching her hand out, she touches the pieces of journal with her fingertips, tracing the letters of the headline and the journalist's name. 

''Kara Danvers wrote that article a few weeks after you arrived in National City. Killer Frost already had a reputation in Central city but you were a stranger. Kara named you Pulse to remind herself and me that you were still alive.''

Alex struggles to swallow, feelings tears welling up her eyes, her heart impossibly heavy.

''Kara.'' she says slowly, the word being strange and familiar in her mouth. ''My...sister.''

She hears Maggie inhales and turns toward her. The brunette looks up at her with a sad beaming smile and tears falling down her cheeks.

''Yes. Your sister.'' Maggie repeats strongly, her gaze shifting back to the wall.

Alex reads another headline. Angel of the night saves a homeless woman from  ODing . She shakes her head at the paint in the alley. It looked like a shadow in a black jacket, a hood covering its head and black wings on each side of its body.

''Kara put Angel of the night out there after hearing the chatter on the street about a woman going out at night to take people's pain and healing them. She wanted to show the world that her sister is still a good person and she wanted you to know it too.'' Maggie explains ''All this in the hope that someday you could come home and the world could know that Pulse and Angel are the very same person.''

Alex exhales deeply, nearly scoffing.

''I'm nowhere close to be an angel.'' Alex replies ''Kara seems a bit...naive.''

Maggie snorts, her hand stroking a picture of t he two of t hem standing beside a pool table. Alex squints at their younger sel ves  and tries to remember but only feel a headache starting to form.

''Your sister was always an optimistic person. I'm not  gonna  lie, she lost a bit of her faith through the years.'' Maggie confesses, her eyes drawn to the floor ''She lost so much. She grown strong but greatly independent. Which was surprising at first because of how much you used to protect her. She's stubborn, just like you.''

Alex ache for that woman. The blonde woman from the picture in the kitchen, she assumes. And for Maggie. The pressure of doing her best to take care and protect the girl she used to look out for.

She feels the headache grow against her forehead, the frustration of not remembering taking its load on her. She lifts a hand to rub her temple and freezes when she feels Maggie's fingers wrap around her very own wrist. Alex stops breathing and despite being taller than the officer, she looks up into Maggie's eyes.

''You see, you wore a lot of names in the past few years but it doesn't matter, because I know you.'' Maggie assures, her voice strong and broken all at once ''Every part of you. And I still...''

The brunette stops herself, taking a deep breath instead. Alex blinks, not quite understanding how this woman seems to truly care for her even through the years and the things she's done.

''What if one day you realize, I'm not the person you think I am.'' Alex whispers, pain cursing through her body at the idea of losing hope right after finding it.

''All I see is my Alex, but only you can choose who you want to be.'' Maggie tips her head to the side and the sight violently cut Alex's breath, her head now pounding with memories she can't grasp.

She bends over her knees, groaning and painfully walk out of the room, going back to the living room and toward the front door.

''Alex, don't go.'' Maggie pleads behind her.

She barely catches herself on the door, her heart stuck in place as she struggles to breathe. With all the effort of the world, she turns around facing the worrying officer.

''You said that before...didn't you?'' she manages to get out.

Maggie's eyebrows reach her hairline in surprise, a small gasp crossing her lips.

''I... I did.''

Flashes of the picture in the office, of them standing close to the pool table comes back to her mind and Alex breathes through the pain, trying to focus on the present.

''When?'' she asks slowly.

Maggie seems to hesitate at that, burying her hands in the front pockets of her jeans.

''Alex...'' she sighs.

''When, Maggie?'' she nearly growls, hanging on to the knob of the front door.

She knows she can't hurt inanimate object, but her powers were begging to be used, for the pain to get out.

''Right after you kissed me and I told you that I would be here for you as a friend.'' Maggie tells her.

Alex blinks and each time she closes her eyes, she can see a younger Maggie standing in front of her in a white button shirt. The sight hurt and Alex forces herself to keep her eyes open.

''Oh, you...all this time...I thought you had feelings for me.'' Alex succeeds at saying, slowly letting herself fall against the door until she half-sit on the floor.

Maggie inhales and take a step forward, bending so their eyes can meet.

''I did,  I d ... like I said the other day, you died before I could make it right, before I could tell you the truth. That I was just scared.''

Alex's breath sometimes quickens, sometimes slows. For the first time in years, she feels the need to throw up. Maggie put her hands on each side of her jaw and Alex is quick to lift her hands up to not touch the other woman, fearing she would hurt her.

''God, Alex, you're burning up. This is getting too much.'' Maggie declares, her voice breaking clearly this time ''Is there a place I can drive you? Someone I can call? Your girlfriend maybe?''

Alex's eyes roll at the back of her head and wishes she still had the concocted drug Amanda Waller used to  inject  her when she got overwhelmed. 

''I need Frosty, but I can't have her here.'' she retorts, before putting her hands on the floor and somewhat pushing Maggie away.

''I hope you know she doesn't really love you.'' Maggie says lowly, her words laced with hurt.

Alex feels a resistance break in her stomach as gets up and glares at the officer.

''You think I don't know that?!'' she snaps ''In my world, there's no place for love.''

Maggie doesn't seem afraid but she still takes a step back, lifting her hands up.

''I didn't mean to offend you or pretend I know more...''

''You DO know more!'' Alex roars, pointing at the woman ''You know more about me than I know myself. But what is the outcome of this, Maggie? What's the possible endgame for me? You want to save me and bring me back to my sister and my mum, is that it?''

''I can't choose for you what you want!'' Maggie retorts back ''But would that be so bad?! To have your family back? To remember who you were and have a choice on who you want to be?''

Alex scoffs and chuckles until she cries, stopping herself from breaking down.

''This is a wish, Maggie. A wish on a once upon a time shooting star.'' Alex tell her tiredly ''And I haven't seen one in years.''

Maggie nearly laughs too, the tears betraying her as she walks towards Alex, picking up her dormant hand, locking it in both of hers.

''Nerd. Your dad taught you all about the stars. You used to care about them, about your sister and me.'' Maggie says, half-shrugging ''But you can't remember. So, for now, I will be the shooting star and I'll hold on to that wish. I'll hold on to you until you make your choice. I promise.''

Alex feels her heart break and mend as her hand burn with something else tha t isn’t  pain. She forces herself to pull away and to step back, leaving the apartment with the newfound memory, of Maggie's eyes being the warmest thing she has seen in five years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill. Leave kudos and comments, I love to hear about what you guys like in my updates.  
> Btw, if you have small requests or ideas or hell try to predict what will happen, feel free to drop them here. Might inspire me to add more stuff!
> 
> Up next: We'll see more of another member of the suicide squad ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and feedback! Means everything to me. Hope you enjoy this one!

 

The walk back to her safe place is too short and too quiet. The streets and the sun setting down are the same as always but Alex feel as if she hasn't seen them in years. Her moment with Maggie had awoken something in her. The desire to find the truth about who she is. For years, she's been running and perhaps, she's been running from herself too because her name out of Maggie's mouth had meaning for the first time since she woke up in pain to this life. 

She climbs the stairs of the abandoned studio and enter the main room. The sight freezes her in place, lifting an eyebrow as Killer Frost frenetically pack their bags. 

''K, what's going on?'' Alex asks, walking toward the other woman. 

Frosty looks up at her with fear and anger in her blue-grey eyes. 

''We have to leave the city.'' she announces coldly ''A.R.G.U.S is on our trail and with you being in contact with the NCPD, we are not safe.'' 

Alex stammers at first, suddenly terrified at the idea of leaving National City. She shakes her head and stops the blonde from packing their clothes. 

''Hey, relax. A.R.G.U.S has always been after us...'' Alex tries to reason but she is cut off by a third voice. 

''But this time is different. They know where you are.'' 

Alex dives and rolls toward the coffee table, retrieving her gun. She pivots and points her weapon at the new comer. 

''Is this how you welcome a guest?'' the snarky woman says ''Now, I know why your name was Overkill.'' 

Alex can only scoff, the sound breaking into a laugh as she takes in the tall woman with sandy hair and brown eyes. Eyeing the leather jacket and the choker around her lean neck, Alex smirks at the woman, standing up. 

''Black Siren. You look good.'' she replies, relieved to see her old friend alive and well. 

Laurel shrugs and uncross her arms, letting them fall by her sides. 

''Hiding from almost every law enforcement agency is no a reason to lose your fashion sense.'' she mocks tersely ''Though Killer Frost doesn't seem to care.'' 

Alex snickers, stealing a glance toward Frosty. The icy woman rolls her eyes, tugging at her blue jacket. She could see Caitlin peeking through the insecurity. 

''I didn't escape the suicide squad to do a fashion show but to kill whoever I wanted without their prompting. Want to be on my list, Laurel?'' Killer Frost retorts, drawing the woman's name. 

Alex laughs and turns back towards their old teammate. 

''Hey, come here before you girls rip each other's head off.'' Alex says, hugging Black Siren briefly. 

She is surprised at how happy she is, seeing Laurel again. With the last few days and the uncertainty of her past and memories, being in the presence of a familiar face is comforting. Confirmation that she's been someone all those years, not just a wandering ghost stuck between two worlds. 

''Seriously, what are you doing here, Laurel?'' Alex asks, pulling back. 

The tall woman sigh, her big eyes shifting from Frosty and her. 

''I meant it, A.R.G.U.S is after you.'' she tells her worriedly ''After all of us. They got Golden Glider.'' 

Alex lift her head back up, almost giving herself a whiplash. A dread overcomes her as she feels Frosty approaching her softly. 

''Lisa? I... how? Last I heard, Cisco helped her setting down in a secure place away from all the craziness.'' Alex says, starting to pace around the room. 

Killer Frost stands in front of her, forcing her to sit down. Alex takes a deep breath as Frosty put a cold hand on her neck, making her slightly feel better. 

''Look, from what I heard, Waller set up a new squad.'' Laurel informs them ''Apparently, Kane Wolfmann is a part of it.'' 

Alex closes her eyes at the name. She knows the guy. They all do. He was their one failed mission with the ghost initiative as they were simply outnumbered facing him and the jackals.  

His real name is Joe Wilson. His father Slade lead an army down the Glades in Star City before the Hood and his team stopped him.  Alex and Caitlin had watched the news from a cheap hotel room when they were hiding in Hub City, wondering when the hell the world would be back to normal. The answer was never. 

''As strong and wicked Lisa is, she stood no chance against him.'' Killer Frost comments. ''Hell, I don't even know how A.R.G.U.S put their hands on the Spawn of slades.'' 

''It's once again the work of the Hood, though he's not being called that anymore.'' Laurel sighs, sitting in the chair facing them. ''What's up with all the names seriously?'' 

Alex shakes her head out of frustration. Waller had always been dangerous, but with Wolfman in her arsenal? Killer Frost and Black Siren were right, they weren't safe and they would have to leave the city. Soon. 

The thought freezes her, her hand seeking the picture at the deep end of her jacket's pocket. Her headache is coming back full force. She rubs her temple, stopping the groan from crossing her lips. 

''I'd think he did a good job if he hadn't given Waller the ammunition she needed to track us down.'' Alex mutters under her breath. 

''Well, at least Deadshot is dead and can't come after us.'' Black Siren drops. 

The other women share a glare as Laurel roll her eyes. 

''Come on, just stating the obvious. Look, the Hood, Arrow, whatever his vigilante name is, I'm not a big fan of him, but I know him.'' she announces them. 

Alex lifts an eyebrow at that and at the soft smile on her friend's lips. 

''Enough with the suspense, Laurel, out with it.'' Killer Frost spats impatiently. 

Laurel leans forward, her elbows on her knees. Alex frowns, not recalling the last time she saw the woman this nervous and yet, this relaxed. 

''He was there when my sister died.'' she says ''They were on the same boat, but it turns out, he survived and so did she.'' 

Alex smiles genuinely at her friend, sharing the overwhelming tears. She reaches out to her, patting her knee and noticing the lack of pain.  

''That's amazing.'' Alex whispers, squeezing Laurel's knee "Did you see her? Does she know you're alive too?'' 

Laurel take a deep breath as Frosty eye her suspiciously, not quite giving into the whole happy ending fairytale. 

"She does. It was weird, of course. We both changed so much. I was afraid she'd judge me but...she got her own past." Laurel explains, smiling sadly "After the boat wrecking, a woman found her on an island as she was dying of starvation and brought her back safely where she lives. Turned out, she lived in Nanda Parbat and is the actual Daughter of the Demon." 

"I'm sorry, the what?" Killer Frost blinks as Alex frowns at the name. 

Laurel chuckles softly and shrugs. 

"Yeah, my sister was rescued by a member of the league of assassins. Her name is Nyssa. My sister stayed with the league for years before leaving. She's still with Nyssa though, mostly staying in Star City between her travels." 

Alex listens intently and is surprised by the genuine happiness in her friend's honey eyes. This could be her soon. Remembering her own sister. Maybe even meeting her. She’s dreading it, afraid to let this person she doesn’t even know down. She recalls the bright smile and shining blue eyes in Maggie’s pictures. That girl grew and became independent, the cop had said. 

Had she grown hating her? Despising all the things she’s done to survive and more? Does she blame her for not haven’t been there? Does she still somehow love her? 

"So, your sister is an assassin?" Killer Frost concludes slowly with a small smirk. 

Alex is brought back to the present with her friends, both deadly in their own way, both human for their vulnerabilities and flaws. She rubs her temple, flashes of different women’s face snapping at the front of her mind, taunting her to remember and others to push it all away. 

"Was." Laurel insists curtly "Seems, we have more in common than I thought. I told her about our time with the Squad, the things we had to do. Sara wasn't happy but she gets it." 

Alex nods, relieved that Laurel found people who listened to her. That perhaps they were there for her to back her up or simply comfort her. Black Siren may seem cold and self-sufficient but she needs emotional support or else, all hell could break loose. 

"I'm very happy for you, Laurel." Alex tell her, wishing they had some beer in this squat, feeling this is a moment of celebration as they are moving on with their lives. Slowly but surely. 

Though with the threat of A.R.G.U.S on their trail, it might be short lived. She is done running away though. So fucking tired of it. 

''That's just great, you found your sister, Alex is talking to her college sweetheart." Killer Frost snarls "Any lost loved one left for me?''  

Laurel and Alex exchange a surprised glance as Alex looks away first, rubbing the back of her neck. Guilt make her fingertips prickle and she has to resist the urge to spread the pain elsewhere. 

"Come on, K, I came far to warn you." Black Siren snicker, winking at their blonde friend. 

Killer Frost roll her eyes, unamused and Alex recognizes the wince of her blue lips. She is annoyed deeply and they are all on thin ice. No pun intended. 

"For all we know, you are here for Alex. I know all about that one passionate night you guys had.'' Frosty announce, pressing the words with sarcasm and finality. 

Alex stares at her, wide-eyes, mouth gaping as Laurel seems to freeze before chuckling shortly, feeling awkward. 

''Shit, you knew about that?" she mutters, probably wondering why she hadn't been turned into an ice cube yet. 

Alex shifts on her seat uncomfortable, looking at Frosty from the corner of her eyes. It had been a stormy night and a failed mission, a simple moment of weakness and lust. They had nearly died and needed to feel alive. 

She hesitantly put her index finger on Killer Frost's jeans clad knee to get her attention. 

"Hey, just so you know, we weren't together then." 

Icy blue eyes look at her, amused and full of snark. Alex feels relieved, not wanting to get into a fight over this. 

"Oh, I know." Frosty snorts "Not like we ever were. I'm just sad we all missed the opportunity to get together." 

Alex blinks, not sure if she got what Killer Frost meant but Laurel's laugh confirm it. 

"Damn, Frosty. You suggesting we should have had a threesome." Black Siren's honey eyes were shining with mirth. "My time at the squad would have been more fun for sure." 

Alex rolls her eyes at their antics, laughing at the ridiculous situation, images forming in her mind anyway. She shakes her head, not wanting to go back to that past life anyway. Cheap thrills and adrenaline, finding comfort in the arms of her friends to fight off the loneliness. No, she wanted something...real. 

Her mind goes back to Officer Sawyer without her accord. She thinks back of her long beautiful hair and wonders how they would feel against her skin. Her smile, ever so special when she looked at her, matching the stars in her dark brown eyes. She seemed to be a one in a lifetime type of woman. Alex had met a couple of those in the short life she remembered, two were standing in this very room, but none of them had that warmth surrounding them. That desire for her to be happy, to be herself. 

She has a feeling that the cop had always been this way with her. Even back in college. Even though she has no memories of it. 

"Anyway, enough with the fantasies, back to your current problem." Black Siren cut off Alex's rambling thoughts "They're unto you." 

Alex feel uneasy as Killer Frosst sigh. 

"I already packed our bags. We'll buy a new burner and try to contact you once we've safe." Frosty says. 

Laurel exhales slowly and nods, satisfied with the plan. Alex looks at them both, feeling the prickling sensation back in her hands. She curls them into fists, containing herself. 

"We'll never be safe." she declares tiredly, between her teeth. 

She sees Frosty's jaw twitches at the statement, standing up from the couch and pacing around the room. 

"And what do you suggest we do? Stay here and do nothing?" She snarls, frozen fog slipping out of her fingers. 

Alex stands up as well and shrugs, facing her friend. 

"Well, I don't know. Maybe this time the results will be different." she replies back, getting fired up. 

"With the both of you ending up dead maybe." Black Siren snicker, moving to sit by the window "Or worse. Having to do Waller's dirty work again." 

Killer Frost points at their friend, clearly agreeing with her. Alex fight the need to break the few remaining furniture in the living room. 

"That's the problem! She'll always be after us!" Alex shouts "Aren't you tired of running? Don't you want to fight back? For your goddamn freedom?!" 

Killer Frost takes a couple of steps toward her, her hands ready to blast her through the wall. 

"Stop lying, Alex! You just don't want to leave your little college's sweetheart behind. I'm sorry to break it up to you but she's a cop! You and her aren't from the same world. Who knows, she might be the reason Waller found us so soon!" 

She can't help herself. Something snaps in her. She bends and rush forward, grabbing the white-haired woman around her wrist to push against the nearest wall. Killer Frost scream as Alex's hands inadvertently comes into contact with her skin.  

Alex is thrown away, breaking down a chair in the process, receiving a full blast of ice. She gets up, groaning at the faint pain in her hip and roar, ready to charge again. But Laurel takes a step forward, letting out her cry that sends them flying into opposite walls.  

Falling back down on the floor, Alex bites down on her tongue, still feeling the rage coursing through her veins. She kneels slowly, facing a shakily Killer Frost standing up. 

"That's enough!" Black Siren thunders "We've all been into this for too long for us to start fighting now. Waller  _is_  the enemy." she recalls them. 

Alex takes a moment to breathe and to calm down. In the past, she would have needed violence to settle down, but now she wanted to do better. To be better. So, she closed her eyes and tries to think of a happy place, that strangely seems to be a beach. She doesn't recall ever going there but Caitlin had told her she grew up in Midvale.  

"You're right.'' Alex sighs, standing up and pushing her hair back "I don't want to leave the city when I'm this close to find out who I am. Because I believe that this isn't everything we are. Don't you want a choice on who you are and not what Waller made you out to be?" 

Laurel doesn't respond, looking at her warily, knowing full well the extent of that demon. Killer Frost is still shaking from anger, not wanting to hear it. 

"What if this is all there is to us?" she retorts, opening her arms wide and provocative. 

Alex shakes her head, still feeling the hope Maggie has installed in her bones. 

"Maybe that is your fear, but I don't believe that, Frosty." Alex says softly "You care about Caity and about me. As fun as our ride has been, you gotta admit it's getting tiring." 

She somehow thinks she got through her, that Killer Frost understood what she meant, but her words seem to add fuel to the already burning fire. 

"Talking to that Officer changed you." she spat, nearly disgusted. "I don't know who you were, but I can guess. A goody two shoes that rebels against her mama when deep down she wants her approval." 

Alex simply shrugs, putting her hands on her hips as Laurel eyes her reaction with a half-grin, half-wince. 

"Is that all you got?" she sighs. 

Killer Frost marches towards her, fisting her jacket. Despite the coldness enveloping her, Alex can only feel sadness, the sentiment reflecting in her friend's eyes. 

"Truth is, you can illusion yourself into wanting a bungalow house and a white picket fence with the wife, the kids and the dog but I know the truth, you'd be bored. And you're fooling yourself if you think that cop is your happy ending." 

Her words tug an invisible string in her stomach. The ghost of her young self and her deepest desires colliding with the adult woman that grew in the harsh world and did things that would put boogeyman to shame. 

It hurt more than she let on. 

"You have no idea what I want. All that matters to you is surviving. But life should be more than just survival, don't you think?" Alex insists as Killer Frost groan out of frustration, taking a step back. 

Alex eye Laurel for a quick second, frowning at the intense look on her face. She seems to be a million miles away. 

"You've becoming soft and weak." Killer Frost mutters under her breath, pacing around the room "You just want it easy." 

Oh, she hates that word. She lunches forward and Laurel has to stop her from reaching the blond with both hands around her arms. 

"I want it easy?! You want to run and hide at every occasion. I want to fight Waller head on! They got Golden Glider. We should do something to help her, we owe it to Snart to try to save his sister!" 

Laurel push Alex in the corner of the room, glaring at her as Killer Frost snicker and gruff out of annoyance. Her whole body seems to glisten with snow. 

"As grateful as I am for his sacrifice, I didn't ask him to stay behind!" 

Her words are cut off as she closes her eyes, Caitlin taking over abruptly. Alex wet her lips, not knowing if she feels relieved or frustrated as the familiar golden eyes looks back at her, disappointment on her lips. 

"Enough! She doesn't show it, but you know how badly it affected K to lose Captain Cold." Caitlin reminds the two women, rising her hand "They were ice buddies or something." 

Alex sighs, knowing how well Killer Frost hid her emotions. Snart had been such an important part on their team. He always assured they'd go home-back to base, alive. He was annoyingly smart and Alex is still surprised that the last thing the man did, was to give Caitlin his cold gun so she could defend herself while Killer Frost had been dormant due to the drug Waller had injected in her. 

"And right now, she is scared to lose you too." Caitlin whispers, tears welling up her eyes "Alex, she doesn't want you to turn your back on us. And remember that if you're going down this path, it isn't just your life on the line." 

Alex takes a step to the right, glad that Laurel let her, standing with her arms crossed over her black leather jacket. 

"I get that." Alex starts slowly "But Cait, I'm not just fighting for myself here. I want Frosty, and you and Laurel to be free too. That is why Snart sacrificed himself but here we are still running. We are still at Amanda Waller's mercy. We haven't truly escaped the suicide squad." 

Laurel hold her breath in before letting it out shakily. Alex can see the distress on her face. She reaches out to her, squeezing her shoulder gently. 

"It's time to fight back. For him. For us." 

Caitlin bites down her lip as her eyes find the cold gun resting beneath the rusty couch. She nods briefly, hugging herself and inwardly, Frosty. Laurel seems agitated but Alex stops her, closing her eyes and focusing on her friend's anxiety. With a deep breath, she manages to siphon it, then reject it out of her body. 

"What if it was your sister?" Alex murmurs, catching the familiar flame in the blonde's eyes "What if it was mine?" 

The tall woman closes her eyes and Alex feels guilty. She doesn't mean to manipulate her, she is just stating the truth. She doesn't remember Kara, the sunny blonde with the beaming smile and the blue eyes but she knows that if anything, anyone was to hurt her, there would be hell to pay. 

"Fine, count me in. You plan whatever you got in mind, gives me a call and I'll be there." Black Siren declares regrettably, annoyed with herself "Know that I hate you." 

Alex smiles briefly, satisfied to have her friend’s support, before scratching her eyebrow as Laurel opens the window, throwing a leg on the other side. 

"Uh, you know we got stairs, right?" Alex asks, amused. 

The woman grins back at her, the moon shining on her nose ring. 

"Oh honey, I know, I climbed them when I got here and I'm telling you it's less hazardous to jump out of there." 

Alex laugh, her eyes meeting Caitlin's as she rolls them. 

"Whatever you say, Lance. Have a safe trip." Alex declares. 

"Oh, and give me a call if that threesome is still on the table." Black Siren adds with a wink, before jumping out and slowing her descent with the percussions of her cry. 

Alex's chuckles as a blush rise up her neck. She almost jumps out of her skin when Caitlin slap her on the arm. 

"The what is still on the table?!" 

Yeah, there is still so much to do before she’d be truly free, truly herself. She’s on her way though, she thinks as she plans to give Cisco a call, grinning at Caitlin’s shocked expression. It is time to get her memories back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this! Gotta love those badass women from the other DC shows. Tell me what you thought of them!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, so sorry for not updating sooner. I never have enough time and self doubt is a bitch, but your comments encourage me so much! I've been busy writing Leo Sawyer's teacher for the fall event, if you want to check it out, and soon I'll be busy working on the winter fic but know that I never stop working on my current stories. I know it's annoying but I thank you all for your patience x
> 
> I don't own anyone or anything. This fic was inspired by a bunch of my favorite stuff from Smallville, Arrow and the Flash.  
> I'm very happy you're enjoying this story and I hope you'll like what's coming. 
> 
> Happy reading, my friends!

Going back to the tequila bottle after Alex left the apartment seems like a logic choice. Maggie downs another shot and winces at the burn still not settling in her stomach. She couldn’t keep Alex out of her head. She always knew the chances of getting her best friend back were slim, but now she seemed so close and yet still out of reach. 

Maggie didn’t expect to see this much pain in Alex’s eyes. In her body. Trembling with the need to exorcise that pain. How could her hands be so lethal but also healing? It’s like life chose Alex to be one sick joke. 

None of it is funny. Alex had hurt people. Alex had healed people. Had Alex been right? Is Maggie chasing a girl that doesn’t exist anymore? But all Maggie can focus on is the soft confident smile that had adorned Alex’s lips when she crossed the door. That woman, no matter who she became and what she did, is still the best friend that used to snort while they were watching cop movies in their dorm. 

Truth is, she doesn’t even know if Alex getting her memories is the answer to everything. What if it breaks her? Alex is already questioning herself, her past and her intentions. Maybe it’s enough to put her on the right track? 

Is it enough to get half of her back though? 

Letting out a shuddering breath, Maggie let herself sit on the floor, blindly putting the alcohol bottle on her side. She straightens her spine, hoping to straighten her head too with a few yoga exercises.  

She doesn’t even have the time to clear her mind, Kara coming through the window in a red, blue blur. Maggie cracks an eye open, eyeing the blond journalist smiling down at her as she rushes to the plate of lasagna on the oven. 

‘’Hey, Mags. You started without me?’’ Kara asks, retrieving a fork out of the drawer and digging immediately in the pan. 

Maggie smiles softly, grateful for Kara’s presence distracting her. She takes a deep breath, knowing she couldn’t pull off the inevitable conversation any further. Kara turn around with the pan in hands and her crinkle appears between her eyebrows as she eyes the table. 

‘’Wait, there’s another plate there. Oh Rao, did you have a date?’’ Kara questions with a beaming smile ‘’Or was Kate in town?’’ 

Maggie gets up, shaking her head as she walks towards the dining table to clean up the wine glasses and rinse off the plates. 

‘’Bold of you to assume that I don’t have friends outside of you and Kate.’’ Maggie comments, taking advantage of the conversation to build up some strength. 

‘’Well, do you?’’ Kara replies, teasing. 

Maggie turns back towards her, leaning against the counter. Kara seems joyful today, wearing her favorite blue knitted sweater. Maggie can’t help but notice the maturity around her eyes and wishes that life hadn’t been so hard on her already. On the both of them. 

‘’Maybe _you_ should be studying the detective exam.’’ Maggie points out playfully. 

‘’Nope!’’ Kara snorts, her long blond hair following the movement of her head ‘’You’re the one meant to become a super detective. I’ll just gladly help you with my flashcards. Now quit stalling, who was here?’’ 

Maggie waits a few seconds, studying Kara’s patient smile, wanting to prolong her good day. 

‘’Promise me to not freak out.’’ Maggie starts slowly, knowing it’s an impossible promise to make.  

Kara frowns and swallows her bite, pushing the plate aside.  _Okay, she got the seriousness of the situation_ , Maggie thinks, gulping. 

‘’Alex was here.’’ 

‘’Wait, what?!’’ Kara blinks, looking around the room as if her sister would appear out of thin air ‘’Just now?’’ 

The hurt in the blonde’s voice makes Maggie’s insides twist. 

‘’Yes. And two nights ago.’’ Maggie adds, preparing herself for what’s coming. 

‘’Two nights ago?!’’ Kara repeats, shocked as she gets up ‘’What the hell, Maggie?! 

Maggie walks towards Kara with her hands up, pleading her to calm down. 

‘’Look, I didn't know how or what to tell you.’’ Maggie says, shrugging pathetically. 

Kara’s eyes are even bluer as she glares at her. Maggie knows that Kara wouldn’t hurt her with her heat vision on purpose but she still remembers the time she accidentally exploded a row of pumpkin at the sight of Jimmy Olsen taking off his shirt in Clark Kent’s barn. 

‘’That my sister visits you at home for starter!’’ Kara shouts exasperatedly before walking off the few steps separating them ‘’Are you okay? Did she hurt you?’’ 

Maggie refrains to roll her eyes, gently slapping Kara’s hands down. She hates being treated like a child but she knows that Kara is simply looking out for her.  

‘’No, she didn’t. We just talked.’’ 

‘’About what?’’ Kara replies curtly, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Maggie rubs her forehead, sighing. The words Alex and her exchanged keeps bouncing in her mind. 

‘’Not much. About who she was to me and how I’ve been trying to track her down to bring her back into our lives.’’ 

She risks a glance at Kara, her heart breaking at the tears welling up her eyes. 

‘’I... I want to see her.’’ she murmurs. 

Maggie looks down, not able to look at her any longer, her vulnerability too similar to Alex’s when she rejected her in college. After that day, Alex had avoided her for weeks. The last time, she saw her, she was bleeding out in her arms. 

‘’I don’t think it’s a good idea, Kara. Maybe you should wait until after she gets her memories back.’’ she tells her, biting on her lips, thinking she made a mistake to mention a possibility that Alex could get her memories back. 

‘’Why?’’ Kara stutters, not seeming to catch on her slip up. 

‘’You said it yourself. She changed.’’ Maggie presses regretfully ‘’As much as I knew that, I still didn’t want to believe it. But she did. She did things she’s not proud of, she did things to survive.’’ 

Could they really blame Alex for doing whatever it took to survive A.R.G.U.S and the suicide squad? Could they feel anything but hope that she fought tooth and nails to go home to them? Even if she didn’t remember them? 

‘’I should be the one to meet with her.’’ Kara declares, pacing around the room with her hands on her hips ‘’I’m her sister!’’  

‘’And you think that trump me?’’ Maggie asks, taking a step forward as her voice break ‘’I was her best friend, Kara! I got her to be herself and she died. I was gonna ask her out, Kar.’’ she recalls her. 

Kara sighs, rubbing her eyes, her chin toward the floor. 

‘’I know, Maggie. She talked about you all the time. You know, I was jealous of you.’’ Kara shrugs, letting out a scoff ‘’I thought that...you were stealing my sister away from me, that...she was loving you more...and then when she died, you were there for me  _and_  for Eliza.’’ 

The months of grief, of guilt and most of all regret, following up Alex’s death had nearly been the end of her. She didn’t let herself go back then because she knew Alex wouldn’t want that, she knew that Alex deserved better from her. So, Maggie decided to help Eliza and Kara as much as she could, to honor her best friend. 

‘’We can’t fight each other Kara. Not now. We need to stick together.’’ Maggie insists, putting her hands on the blonde’s shoulders. 

‘’Stronger together?’’ Kara smiles softly. 

‘’El Mayarah. Exactly.’’ Maggie smiles back, squeezing her arms before encouraging her to sit down on the couch. 

They let the silence comfort them for a moment, Kara drawing her knees up to her chest. Maggie doesn’t recall her looking so young. She almost expects her to push up her nonexistent glasses. 

 ‘’Look, both times we talked more about her forgotten past, Alex seemed to have this migraine coming at her. We can’t push her.’’ Maggie announces carefully. 

‘’Do you know where she lives, when she’s gonna come back to see you?’’ Kara asks, her voice so small and hopeful. 

Maggie swallows the nerves and the guilt, knowing how she’d feel if Kara had seen Alex behind her back, though she would have understood. Truth is, she wants to protect both Kara and Alex here. 

‘’No.’’ she answers with dread. 

‘’Maggie!’’ Kara exclaims, throwing her hands up in indignation. 

‘’It’s going to sound crazy but if I want her to trust me... I have to trust her as well.’’ Maggie argues patiently. 

Kara shakes her head pensively, looking out the window. 

‘’She is not in a position to be trusted Maggie.’’ Kara replies slowly, biting down her lip in worry. 

Maggie reaches out and takes Kara’s hand in hers, grabbing her attention. 

‘’Alex has a plan. To remember.’’ Maggie admits, still not sure she is doing the right thing. But she had held back enough information as it is and Kara deserves to know ‘’A dangerous one. She’s willing to jeopardize her freedom, her conscience, her damn mind to remember us. We can still be a little patient.’’ 

Kara’s mouth trembles but she keeps her lips shut, locking in any sobs. She leans forward, putting her head on Maggie’s shoulder. Maggie strokes her hair, fighting her own tears. 

 ‘’I haven’t seen her in five years, Maggie. The last time I saw my sister was when I stopped her from robbing a corner store. She saw right through me.’’ Kara tell her through a hiccup. 

Maggie sighs, throwing an arm around the younger girl. She, herself, had stood in front of Alex more than once, trying to get her to stop whatever crimes she was committing. Each fail had left her feeling hollow, going home to numb the pain with her fists on the punching bag before taking a burning then cold shower. She can only imagine the guilt Alex will feel if she-when she will regain her memories. 

‘’Then the next time you see her, it has to be when she’ll be able to look at you, recognizes you so she can apologize to you and tell you how much she loves you.’’ 

‘’You really think she still loves me?’’ Kara asks pitifully. 

Maggie pulls back to look down at the blue-eyed girl. 

‘’Of course she does. Trust me, she does. I know what it’s like to have you as a little sister. As annoying as you can be, it's impossible not to love you, Kara.’’ 

Kara chuckles and pretends to punch Maggie’s thigh, muttering a ‘jerk’. Kara sighs, moving to sit back against the couch, avoiding her gaze. She almost seems afraid. 

‘’Do you want her back so bad because you’re tired of acting like a big sister?’’ 

The question leaves a jolt of anger and pain in her stomach. At first, she is insulted that Kara could say such a thing, but then, she calms down, feeling simply sad that this brave girl thinks she is a burden and easily disposable. 

‘’What, Kara, no!’’ she assures gently ‘’There’s nothing that could make me pull away from you. I’ll always be there. Besides, you’ve been there for me like I’ve been there for you. We’re a team, kiddo.’’ 

Maggie knows the situation is heavy when Kara doesn’t talk back for being called kiddo. Maggie sighs, pulling the blonde into a hug, wishing that Kara didn’t have to check her strength when she hugs her back loosely. 

‘’Please don’t let her down. You always believed in her even when I didn't.’’ Kara cries in her shoulder. 

Maggie pulls back with a sad smile, pushing Kara’s golden hair away from her eyes. 

‘’You did, kid. Even when you thought you didn’t, you still believed in her goodness. You went out there at night, seeking out the people she helped because you knew our Alex was still there.’’ 

Kara half shakes her head, half nods, wiping her tears and snot with the cuffs of her shirt. She has been strong for so long, Maggie wondered when she’d break eventually ever since they learned Alex was still alive. 

‘’I just want her back. I've always wanted her back, but it now just occurred to me that it comes with a cost. She lived her own life outside of ours. A life that we...somehow have to find the strength to forgive. The things she's done, Maggie.’’ Kara rambles, putting her hand on her forehead, her breath shaky. 

Maggie leans forward, putting a hand on Kara’s sternum, silently reminding her to breathe, to focus on her heartbeat. 

‘’You don't have to, Kara. But you can give her a chance to earn your forgiveness. You can give it time.’’ Maggie assures. 

Kara leans her back on the couch, breathing into Maggie’s hand, closing her eyes as she calms down. 

‘’We lost enough, didn't we?’’ she mumbles quietly, breathing deeply. 

‘’It's not as simple as that.’’ Maggie retort, letting her hand fall once Kara is stable ‘’Forgiveness is tricky. It’s been years and I still haven’t forgiven myself for letting Alex be captured and forced to commit crimes.’’ 

Kara opens her eyes and Maggie almost recoil at the intensity in them. 

‘’You think I don’t feel responsible? I have all those powers and I wasn’t there to save my sister.’’ she roars between her teeth. 

Maggie doesn’t say anything for a second, giving Kara the chance to calm down. She takes a mental note to bring Kara to James’s training place the next day so she could let out some of her repressed rage. 

‘’Is that why you rushed into this? Into being the blur and following Clark’s legacy, wearing his old suit?’’ Maggie points out to the red masculine vest hanging on the back of the chair in the kitchen. 

‘’I thought I could stop her. But I’m too weak Maggie...What kind of hero can I ever be if I couldn’t even stop my own sister?’’ 

‘’The kind that believes in second chances and redemption.’’ Maggie presses, feeling pulled from all sides. Kara is too hard with herself, just like she is and like Alex was. What a great trio they made. ‘’Is that why you’re so hesitant on having her back?’’  

Kara shakes her head, sitting up and turning to face Maggie. Maggie wonders if her good friend M’gann would let her purchase some special liquor so Kara could relax a bit and be a regular woman in her twenties for one night. 

‘’I’m not...I just worry. She won’t just be my sister. She’ll be that person she became and I have to face her.’’ Kara tells her ‘’I don’t want to get my hopes up. What if she won’t come home anyways? You talked to her. You truly believe we'll get her back? Because I don’t know if I can handle losing her again, Maggie.  

She takes it all in. Her pain, her distress. It’s a lot after the last few days. She’d do anything for the Danvers sisters but in the end, she wonders what is it she could truly do for them. She remembers when Kate Kane had to confront her own sister. Oh, she doesn’t want Alex and Kara’s story to end like theirs. 

‘’Me neither, kid. I looked into her eyes and I think she wants to be better but she’s struggling to figure out how.’’ Maggie confesses, thinking back of Alex’s turmoil about herself. 

Kara takes a deep breath, nodding. She finally smiles again, looking at Maggie with hope in her eyes. 

‘’If anyone can help her, it’s you. You’ve been my rock all these years, Maggie. Without you, I wouldn’t have survived.’’ 

Maggie struggles to swallow and rushes to argues. 

‘’Sure you would have.’’ 

‘’No, Maggie. I relied on you so much. You just took me under your wing and never let me go.’’ Kara says, squeezing Maggie’s hands as softly as she could ‘’You made sure I kept eating and studying, that I’d get out of my bed in the morning. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. Losing Alex was like losing half of me...I didn’t dare to hope because losing Alex again would be the end of me, Maggie.’’ 

Maggie can’t hold back the tears any longer, holding onto Kara’s hands like castaway clinging to a buoy. Frankly, it is hard to be the one to hold them up when she’s barely hanging on as it is. Kara is young and knows how to be there for people when the time is right, to save their lives. In privacy, it’s different. She needs support and Maggie always swore to give it to her. 

She just doesn’t know if she’ll be able to keep that promise if Alex doesn’t come home to them. Because she too feels as if it would be the end of her if she loses Alex again. Maggie also knows she wouldn’t have any other choice but to go on. At least, she would have done everything right this time.  

‘’It wouldn’t be, Kara. You’re the strongest person I know. You’ve lost so much and you’re still here fighting for the greater good.’’ Maggie assures. 

‘’So have you. So are you, Maggie.’’ Kara replies with a kind smile. 

Maggie shakes her head and chuckles at their cry fest, happy they hatched everything out. It was an overdue conversation. One they’ve hold of for years. 

‘’I can’t promise anything, Kara. I wish I could, but all we can do is have a leap of faith.’’ 

‘’A leap of faith, huh? After everything, I think I can do that. As long as I have you by my side.’’ Kara says, pulling Maggie close and embracing her. 

‘’Always, kid.’’  

Maggie smiles, knowing that no matter what happens, Kara would still be there.  

She feels her throat tightens, not ready to say goodbye to Alex forever before even having the chance to have her. She can only hope that Alex remembers them and that if she doesn’t, she comes back home anyway. 

 

The warehouse is empty except for dust and abandoned craters. Alex rolls her eyes at the typical location Cisco sent her to. The air is cold and for once, it doesn’t comfort her, having nothing to do with Frost’s hands. She feels chills rising the hair on the back of her neck and her hands are tingling. 

She almost goes back. The fear and anxiety are starting to creep in and Alex feels the sudden need to run out of there and join Caitlin and Frost into packing their bags to the farthest city. 

No, she tells herself. Running is easy. Running is the easiest way to stay alive but she doesn’t want to live like this anymore. She wants to stay right here in NC, wake up to feel the warmth of the sun and coffee. She doesn’t want to fear that warmth anymore. She wants to feel it in her stomach, on her skin, on her lips and if that blazing heat comes into the form of a 5 ft 4 cop with dimples and sincere eyes, well she wants to remember every memory she has of her. The warmth seems to also comes into the shape of a halo. Like the sun in a bright blue sky and Alex can only think of one thing at the feeling; Kara. 

Alex lets out a deep breath, nodding to herself, proud that she manages to quiet her old instincts to flee. She forces herself to stay sit still, banging her heels on a crater as a portal opens up, the blue bubble fascinating her still despite many Cisco’s appearances.  

The man jumps out of the portal, closing it behind him with a twist of his wrist. If Alex was a nerd, she’d think it was cool. Instead, she keeps a strong façade as she slowly rises to meet Cisco, shaking his hand as the other is attach to the picture of Maggie and her in her pocket. 

“Glad to see you are still alive. Caitlin is okay?” Cisco asks, taking off his goggles. 

“She’s alright. Thank you for cutting your trip short.” Alex says “This is pressing with A.R.G.U.S on our tails.” 

Cisco frowns, tipping his head back at the mention of the organization. 

“You sure this is the right time to do this? I mean A.R.G.U.S has always been after you guys, what’s so different this time?” 

Alex puts her hands on her hips, keeping her frustration in check. 

“I can’t push it any further. This is the only window I got before we risk getting caught. What’s different is this time, I intend to fight them. And if after all this, they get to me anyway, well I want to go down as myself. All of me.” 

Cisco nods, seeming to bow slightly out of respect. 

“You were always brave. And reckless.” Cisco adds with a smirk “Listen, I know you did bad things in the past and I also know you’ve been trying to make amends for it, even if you didn’t remember who you were.” 

Alex takes in the proud smile on the young man’s face. Maggie had said something similar but she didn’t quite believe her even if she wanted to. Sure, she went out there at night, trying to alleviate some people’s pain, but that doesn’t mean she became a good person. Her hands were still full of hurt, ready to make people suffer. 

“At the end of the day,  _you_  get to live with that you’ve done, so don’t let anyone judge you or tear you down.” Cisco adds seriously “Mostly, don’t be too hard on yourself.” 

Alex takes a deep breath, feeling something frivolous and fragile in her heart. Hope. Could he be right? Could Maggie be right? Did she want them to be? 

“I’m afraid that I won’t be able to meet up with everyone’s expectations.” Alex confesses with a shuddery breath, hating how the self-doubt always managed to made itself home in her ribcage. 

“Trust me, the only expectations you won’t meet are yours.” Cisco replies smartly. 

Alex half-scoffs, half-laughs, knowing there is truth in what he said. 

“There’s a reason why I built you a suit. I believe you can do a lot of good, though I would have given you a better name.” Cisco says with a smile of a ten-year-old. “You’re one of the good one, Alex.” 

Alex blinks back tears, not expecting the man to be this heartfelt. She fights back the need to lash out, to tell him he was lying. She had done the same to Amanda Waller when she was trying to convince her she was bad to the bones. She learned the hard way to keep her mouth shut, she even came to believe the woman. 

Despite enjoying the freedom of her past missions and even sometimes, being enticed by the violence and the liberation of her powers, she hated who she was. What she did. 

Maybe she could learn to trust the right people again. So, she could change and become a better version of herself. With Maggie by her side, she feels like she can anything and mostly, she wants Maggie to be proud of her. 

Alex eventually clears her throat and take a step forward, putting on a glove so she won’t hurt Cisco as he vibes her. The dark-haired man sighs, lifting his own hand and putting it on Alex’s forearm. 

“Are you sure you want to do this? It’ll hurt like a bitch and sometimes ignorance is a bliss.” Cisco warns one last time.” 

“I know a lot about pain. And I need to know about the people that I love.” Alex says through her teeth, ignoring the fear pulsing under her skin. “Do it.” 

With an intake of breath, Cisco puts his goggle back on, a blue light reflecting in the lenses. Squeezing Alex’s arm, she is pulled into a black haze, leaving her gasping as she finds it hard to stay on her feet from the vertigo.  

She is swallowed by a tunnel of blue lights and dark flashes of memories, making her feel dizzy. She groans as Cisco pulls her up by both of her arms. Alex can hear voices and past conversations.  

“Don’t open your eyes, just yet. You gotta focus on one thing, Alex, one memory. The rest will come.” Cisco instructs. 

Alex holds on tighter to the man and thinks back of Maggie’s hair and her skin, briefly remembering the picture in her jacket. She slips her hand in her pocket and as her fingertips touch the photograph, she finally feels her body relax. 

Opening her eyes, she looks at her surroundings. It’s dark and blurry but she recognizes what is a dive bar. She turns around at the sound of clinkering and laughter. There she was. Maggie. Looking a bit younger and happier as she pulled a girl in her arms, the pool stick falling on the table. 

“Yes, you did, I’m so proud of you. Let me get you a drink.” 

Maggie takes a step back before the girl with long auburn hair pulls Maggie back by the arm, tugging her into a kiss. 

Alex feels a pain in her stomach and she nearly bends over, remembering the humiliation, the rejection from this moment. No, she doesn’t want to relive this. Not now.  

“No, not this. Take me somewhere else, Cisco.” she orders through her teeth as she watches from the corner of her eyes, Maggie talking to a slowly dejected Alex. 

“We’re in your mind, Alex. You’re controlling this. What do you want to remember?” Cisco asks. 

Alex closes her eyes and shakes her head, thinking back of Kara and her blue eyes. But she hears Maggie’s voice again begging Alex to not go. Without her proper accord, they are pulled from the moment to the next one. 

The air is cold as the room stops spinning. It’s still dark but the sparkles of electricity from fallen lights off the ceiling make it easier to see. And the sight cut her breath as she remembers the pain of the metal rod stuck in her stomach. 

She wants to throw up, feeling twisted apart, struggling to stay up, her mind switching from where she is and the memory of herself lying down and bleeding out. 

“You’re right here, Alex, you’re alive.” Cisco reminds her with a hand on her shoulder as they side step the rows of table in the library of Central City University. 

Alex can’t quite see around herself, the other bodies blurry and buried under her pain as her past self remains unconscious. 

“Alex!” a familiar desperate voice scream. 

The duo turns around, catching the sight of a young girl with long dark hair making her way through the library, ducking when some high shelves fall over her. Alex feels as if her heart had jumped in her throat as Maggie half-runs, half-crawls looking for her best friend. She wants to yell at her to run but she can’t. 

This is her last memory before she died. 

 _Alex blinks, feeling warm liquid on her stomach and cold hands on her face. She manages to open her eyes, closing them right away at the ceiling spinning around, making her feel dizzy. She hears her name and it’s the voice that make her focus, that make things clear. The reality smacks her in the face and she let out a yell as pure agony pierce her body. Her hands are fumbling looking for the source of pain but smaller hands stop her._  

 _“Shh, Danvers, I know it hurts, sweetie, I know. Just breathe.”_  

 _Maggie._  

 _“What are you doing here?” Alex asks, her breathe ragged and shallow as if she had run a marathon “You were safe outside, dummy.”_  

 _Managing to open her eyes, Maggie’s face coming together, clear and beautiful despite the tears falling down her cheeks. A sad chuckle that turns into a whimper fall off her brown lips._  

 _“You know why.”_  

 _Through the haze of pain, she recalls where she is, the mountains of books surrounding her. There was someone with her. A friend. Where was she? She hoped Caitlin managed to find safety._  

 _“Enlighten me.” Alex says, closing her eyes briefly, the smell of burnt flesh bringing her back to the present._  

 _She opens them again, feeling Maggie’s fingers on her cheeks, on her wrist._  

 _“I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Where you go, I go. Ride or die, remember?”_  

 _Alex moans, the pain cutting off her breath. She lifts her head and catches the sight of a metal bar in her stomach. She chokes, not knowing if she is about to vomit bile or blood. Letting her head fall to the side, she tries to catch her breath._  

 _“It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here. I hear the sirens, Danvers, you’ll be out in no time, okay?”_  

 _Alex doesn’t hear the sirens. She doesn’t hear anything but Maggie’s voice. Her whole body is burning. What had happened? What is going on?_  

 _Maggie moves and takes off her University sweatshirt, leaving her in a dark tank top. She puts pressure on her wound, causing Alex to winces and screams through her teeth as Maggie mumbles apologies._  

 _“If me getting hurt was all I needed for you to undress, I would have done it sooner.” Alex jokes, spitting up blood._  

 _“Don’t joke about that.” Maggie growl, supporting her head “Come on, Alex, stay with me. You gotta stay with me.”_  

 _Alex can’t explain how she feels, suddenly lightweight, suddenly painless. Maggie’s warmth is enveloping her and quieten down the fear. But it’s still there, she feels it underneath her skin, thrumming, pulsing, dying to be let out. To be relieved._  

 _She can still see the bar making her bleed out, but she focuses on the brown pool looking down at her and she is glad that Maggie is there with her. She regrets avoiding her those past few weeks. She regrets it so much. She regrets a lot of things. She should have been kinder to Kara, she should have called her back earlier this week, just to listen to her rambling. She should have told her mom she loved her._  

 _“I'm not going anywhere Sawyer.” Alex breathes out with difficulty, hating the cold overcoming her body despite the burning she feels between her bones and muscle._  

 _“You know what I mean.” Maggie moans out, her own type of agony showing around her eyes “I can’t lose you. Come on, I still owe you a drink and I want to take you out on a date. We'll be cheesy and I'll bring to a fair and win you a teddy bear even if you have more chance than me to win one.” Maggie rushes out, leaning over Alex and stroking her hair._  

 _Alex hates the hollow sound her chest makes, just when she hears what she’s been waiting for. Her best friend..._  

 _“You’re saying you like me. That’s what I got.” Alex sputters, drawing in a deep breath._  

 _Maggie nods, her hair falling over her face. Alex frowns, wishing to see every bit of her. She doesn’t have the energy to push them behind her ears like she always does when they’re watching movies and pressing pause to talk about their theories. Maggie was always right, always smart._  

 _Maggie presses her chin in the crook of Alex’s neck, her nose against her temple and her lips falling somewhere between them._  

 _“I’m saying that I love you.” Maggie clarifies, her voice breaking but clear as the light of day._  

 _Alex sighs, feeling hot tears on her dry lips, Maggie’s and hers mixing up. She painfully lifts her hand, fingertips resting against her best friend’s._  

 _“I love you too Maggie.” she says, struggling to swallow “Mags, there’s something wrong with me.”_  

 _She could feel it, her body dying but her insides flaming. She isn’t ready to die, she isn’t. She is so scared of what might_ _come_ _next. A world without Maggie, Kara and her mom._  

 _“No, you’re perfect Al. You’re perfect.” Maggie murmurs, pressing barely there kisses on her forehead._  

 _Alex wants to smile, but she can’t._  

 _“You know what I mean.” she whispers, closing her eyes._  

 _Alex can feel Maggie’s body close to hers and she hates the emptiness and the cold that competes with her. All she wants is to feel Maggie’s warm body, nothing else. Nothing that is about to come._  

 _“Yeah, yeah I do. And I hate there's nothing I can do about it.” Maggie cries in her hair, fingers gripping hers._  

 _“Just hold me. Don’t let me go.” Alex begs, not even hearing her own voice._  

 _“Never.” Maggie swears, holding her even tighter._  

 _But Alex can’t even feel it and the fear is squeezing her heart._  

 _“Maggie...”_  

 _“I know, Danvers. I just can't.”_  

 _She can’t either, but she doesn’t have a choice._  

 _There’s a lightning of power cursing through her body, siphoning her energy and everything that she is._  

Alex can’t tear her eyes away from the scene, tears blinding her. Cisco is shaking her shoulders but she feels numb. Blood is dripping down her nose and she collapses in the darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a couple of chapters left y'all. Tell me what you thought of this one!

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, like I said I'm really nervous, tell me what you thought of this and what do you think happened in College ;)


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